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Old 03-06-2013, 12:33 PM   #1
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Attorney jokes--hope I don't get sued

The old man was critically ill. He called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer," he said. "How much for a quickie law degree?"

"About $50,000," the lawyer said, "But why bother?"

"That's my business. Get me the course."

Four days later the lawyer delivered the new law degree. Suddenly the old man was wracked with fits of coughing, and it was clear the end was near.

"Please, before it's too late," said the lawyer, "Tell me why you wanted a law degree now?"

As he breathed his last , the old man whispered, "One less lawyer."
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A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No."

The next question, intended for applicants who had answered, "Yes," was "Why?"

The lawyer answered it, "Never got caught."
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In a recent study, the government administered weekly doses of Viagra to an equal number of doctors and lawyers. While most of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller. Researchers are at a loss to explain the results.

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A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend,

"What's happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend responds, "I ran into a lawyer."

"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"

"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."
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A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel, where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention. More than a hundred lawyers were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.
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A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a hard fight. The gang was very happy to escape.

"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."

The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers! We had $100 when we broke in!"
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An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."

Curious, the attorney asked, "What do you have there?"

The drunk replied, "I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

The attorney responded, "Let me take a look."

So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"

The drunk replied, "Out of my nose."
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Old 03-06-2013, 12:57 PM   #2
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Too Funny!

My brother n law is an attorney, going to email this to him but will make sure he doesn't owe me anything first, cuz after he reads these, I'm not getting anything out of him!!! LOL
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Old 03-06-2013, 01:14 PM   #3
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Not sure where this thread is going...but please remember some members of this forum are attorneys. They enjoy RVing also.
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Old 03-06-2013, 01:59 PM   #4
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Not sure where this thread is going...but please remember some members of this forum are attorneys. They enjoy RVing also.
Well then they can come up with "normal people" jokes!
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Old 03-06-2013, 02:30 PM   #5
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Well then they can come up with "normal people" jokes!

I never heard a normal people joke.
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Old 03-06-2013, 02:32 PM   #6
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Well then they can come up with "normal people" jokes!
X2!!!
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Old 03-06-2013, 02:34 PM   #7
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I have many friends who are attorneys. I don't think any of them are RVers, but I know they would all love these jokes. So here is mine:

What's black and brown and looks good on an attorney?

Answer: A doberman.
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Old 03-06-2013, 02:49 PM   #8
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one day an engineer died and was immediately transported to hell, he looked around and decided he would install A/C, the next thing he figured out was how to get ice water in Hell, before long he had flush toilets, running water , paved streets and hell was turning into a nice place. God looked down and saw this, checked his books and realized there was a mistake and the engineer belonged in heaven, so he called the devil and demanded the return of the engineer, but the devil said no! God said return the engineer or I will sue you, upon hearing that the devil laughed and said where are you going to find a lawyer.
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Old 03-06-2013, 02:57 PM   #9
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Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.

The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and spat in it.

When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and p*ssing in cokes?"
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Old 03-06-2013, 03:15 PM   #10
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"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and p*ssing in cokes?"
Touche'
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