Autocorrect caused my divorce

[Mikegjax]

Still Kickin, she probably won't like this one either.

Husband takes the wife to her high school reunion.



After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored. The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.



There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.



Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.



Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"

[Mikegjax]

Today's Short Reading from the Bible...

From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."

Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed!

[rana]

Almost passed a lung on that one...

[wana65stang]

What did you do wrong when your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen and nagging at you ??? Made her chain too long.

[Mikegjax]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.


Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to
change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.



Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the
parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.


Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out
onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do
everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."


John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.


As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior,
the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

[Mikegjax]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's ch...est.
After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[Mikegjax]

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYSOME IN RECENT YEARS.

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary.

It means 75% are running around untreated.

[GlacierGus]

Mikegjax, these are great! Keep 'em coming. You must be a much better typist then I am.

[Mr. Dan]

Milk and eggs

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

[B47]

Originally Posted by Mr. Dan

Milk and eggs

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

And just what did the husband do wrong here? They did have eggs.

[Mikegjax]

A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98.
After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked: "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"


The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And I know he won't ask for directions."

[Mikegjax]

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.."
Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

[Mikegjax]

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed – as
the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she
looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. She became so worried
that she called him on her cell phone to ask him where he was. In a
quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about
five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we
couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?" The
wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that
shop." He replied, "Well, I'm in the bar next door."

[ependydad]

Originally Posted by Mikegjax

Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

That reminds me of this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dzj95jHuPiw

[Arefbee]

Originally Posted by ependydad

That reminds me of this:

Now that is fresh calamari!

(oh, by the way... EWWWWWWWW! )

[ependydad]

Originally Posted by Arefbee

Now that is fresh calamari!



(oh, by the way... EWWWWWWWW! )

It is actually dead! The salt in the soy sauce causes a reaction in the tentacles. Pretty crazy stuff.

[Taranwanderer]

Originally Posted by ependydad

It is actually dead! The salt in the soy sauce causes a reaction in the tentacles. Pretty crazy stuff.

I get the science behind it, but it's still disgusting.

[ependydad]

Originally Posted by Taranwanderer

I get the science behind it, but it's still disgusting.

Agreed! I don't think I'd be able to bring myself to eat it afterwards (or maybe even before hand- that was just a little TOO alive looking).

[Platokidd]

Marriage is like a bar of soap. It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it!

[Mikegjax]

Funny: