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Old 02-12-2015, 03:24 PM   #41
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Still Kickin, she probably won't like this one either.

Husband takes the wife to her high school reunion.



After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored. The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.



There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.



Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.



Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"
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Old 02-12-2015, 03:53 PM   #42
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Today's Short Reading from the Bible...

From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."

Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed!
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Old 02-12-2015, 03:57 PM   #43
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Almost passed a lung on that one...
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Old 02-12-2015, 04:38 PM   #44
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What did you do wrong when your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen and nagging at you ??? Made her chain too long.
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Old 02-13-2015, 11:18 AM   #45
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A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.


Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to
change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.




Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the
parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.



Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out
onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do
everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."



John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.


As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior,
the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"


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Old 02-13-2015, 11:21 AM   #46
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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's ch...est.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."

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Old 02-13-2015, 11:26 AM   #47
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THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYSOME IN RECENT YEARS.

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary.
It means 75% are running around untreated.










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Old 02-13-2015, 11:59 AM   #48
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Mikegjax, these are great! Keep 'em coming. You must be a much better typist then I am.
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Old 02-13-2015, 12:26 PM   #49
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Milk and eggs

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."
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Old 02-13-2015, 12:41 PM   #50
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Dan View Post
Milk and eggs

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."
And just what did the husband do wrong here? They did have eggs.
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