Autocorrect caused my divorce

[Mikegjax]

Babies and fathers:

[Mikegjax]

There was a little boy who lived in the country.

The family still used an outhouse and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in the summer, freezing cold in the winter and smelled all the time.

The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek.

So, one day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He found a large pole and started pushing. Finally, after much effort, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.

The boy knew that meant a spanking... so he asked why.

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth..."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father probably wasn't in the cherry tree."

[rockfordroo]

The 3 rings of matrimony:

1. The engagement ring

2. The wedding ring

3. The suffeRING.

[Platokidd]

Do you know that when a woman wears
a leather dress,

a man's heart beats quicker,

his throat gets dry,

he gets weak in the knees,


and he thinks irrationally?

Ever wonder why?

It's because she smells like a
New Truck!!

[asquared]

A dietitian was addressing a large audience in Chicago: "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous to some and none of us realize the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A 75 year old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

[wmtire]

I got to thinking, and I personally know 5 people who are absolutely insane.

My ex wife is three of them.

[Arefbee]

OK, briefly going back to the original post, I had a Autocorrect issue the other day. I was arranging payment options with the local parking authority where I work.
After about four emails back and forth I realized Autopay had been changed to Autopsy.

I will be keeping a low profile on the first of next month in case they decide that I really meant autopsy. This is a tough town.

[Mikegjax]

Today I ask my wife what she would do if I won the lottery. She said she would take her half leave and never see me again. So I said, I won $12.00 last night, here is your $6.00.

[Mikegjax]

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.
"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blonde #1.

"Do what?" asked Blonde #2.





"Send my lawn out to be mowed."

[Mikegjax]

Gary W. was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked
where he was going at that time of night.

Gary replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects
it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Gary replied, "That would be my wife."

[Mikegjax]

Sandy, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!



Bob, typically non-romantic, replied,
"I am on the toilet. Please advise ."

[BiigDaddy]

We were watching TV just before Valentine's day. A Verizon commercial came on staying it wasn't too late to get her a Valentine's gift. My wife looks at me and says "Verizon says it's not too late for you to get me something!"

I told her "That's why I have Sprint".
The couch is comfortable.

[rockfordroo]

Valentine's Day is just another opportunity to prove YOU JUST DON'T MEASURE UP!

[wmtire]

After I got divorced, I joined a biker gang:



It's called:

Sons Of Alimony

[Avenger61]

A young couple were in love, got married and on their wedding night, as they were undressing, the young man decided to take the advice of his Father and let his new bride know who was the boss. He took off his pants and threw them at his lovely bride and very firmly said "Here put these on!"

The young girl was frightened by her new husbands sudden change of attitude and with tears in her eyes she put on the pants, but they were too big and she had to hold them to keep them up. With a trembling voice she said "They are too big and they don't fit."

The husband yelled "That's right and don't forget I wear the pants in this family!"

The young bride was quiet for a moment as the anger began to rise inside her and she suddenly yanked off her panties and threw them in the young man's face. "Put these on!" she growled.

The young man could see his bride was very angry; since it was his wedding night he thought perhaps he should mellow out a little and humor her. So he pulled the panties over his calves and try as he might they weren't going past his knees. Finally in frustration he hollers "I can't get in your pants!"

The young bride smiled and said "That's right and you never will if you ever take that attitude with me again!!"

[cajunrvr]

Lol

[bob caldwell]

Wife and dog missing! Reward for dog.

[gashog]

An old man walks in the restaurant the waitress walk over to take his order. He says I'll have a B L T N T. the waitress says ok, but what a B L T N T ? He say It's a Bacon, Lettuce, Tomato, sandwich Not Toasted. She say ok I've never heard it that way...... When she brings him out his sandwich he yells at her S O B. the waitress a little stunned says excuse me. The old man says it's Soggy On Bottom. The waitress quick thinking she says, S ***, which totally throws the old man off, and he says WHAT? She says Should Had It Toasted!