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Old 11-05-2014, 08:42 PM   #1
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Autocorrect caused my divorce

The autocorrect on my cellphone is what caused my divorce.

See, I was off on a business trip when my wife texted me asking how it was going.

I texted back that I was having the best time of my life. Wish you were her.
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Old 11-05-2014, 08:55 PM   #2
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Lol! I will have to try that- maybe I would finally get paroled!


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Old 11-05-2014, 09:02 PM   #3
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ha

Did you hear the new Divorced Barbie is out?
Comes with all of Ken's stuff.
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Old 11-05-2014, 09:11 PM   #4
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I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced years ago, but she said I was only after my money.


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Old 11-05-2014, 09:28 PM   #5
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I don't think I'll get married again; every five years or so, I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
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Old 11-05-2014, 09:30 PM   #6
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I had to get revenge for her divorcing me and waited patiently in the bushes for her return from the school run, as I didn't want the kids to see it.

As she rounded the corner I raised my gun at the car, pulled the trigger and seconds later it was over.

Later at the police station, one officer even sympathized, saying, "I wished I'd done that to my ex!"

People may hate me, but 47 in a 30mph limit, I love being a traffic cop.


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Old 11-05-2014, 09:34 PM   #7
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An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there’s a lamp. He picks it up, and as he starts to rub the dirt off of it, a genie comes out of the lamp and says, “I want to know the person you hate the most.” The explorer says, “That’s gotta be my ex-wife. Why?” “I am a cursed genie. I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double that amount.” “Okay, I wish for a billion dollars.” “Granted, but you ex-wife gets two billion dollars.” “I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything.” “Granted, and your ex-wife gets two." "Now make your final wish.” The explorer walks around for a few minutes, returns to the genie with a stick, and says, “You see this stick? I’d like you to beat me half to death.”
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Old 11-05-2014, 10:23 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wmtire View Post
I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced years ago, but she said I was only after my money.


Stop stop.. I can't breathe LOL

I don't care why ya are.. that's funny right there..
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Old 11-05-2014, 11:34 PM   #9
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Marriage is a three ring circus. An engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffer-ring.-

A dietitian was addressing a large audience in Chicago: "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous to some and none of us realize the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A 75 year old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."


A cop tries to pull over a guy for speeding who tries to outrun him. Finally the guy gives up and pulls over. The now ticked off cop walks up and yells at the guy, "What's the big idea?" The guy responds, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," he said, "and I was afraid he was trying to give her back!" "Off you go," said the officer.
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Old 11-06-2014, 03:32 AM   #10
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My wife has always told me that if I cheat on her she'd leave me.

We played Monopoly last night and I stole $1000 from the bankers tray.

Fingers crossed.


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