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Old 01-30-2013, 05:43 PM   #1
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Catholic Humor

Catholic Humor
This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and top-secret code words, the better off they are!


AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.


BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.


CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.


HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY. Created by boiling the HELL out of it.

HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize -- besides gyros and baklava. (For you non-Catholics, it means Lord have mercy.)

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.



RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

Little-known facts about the Catholic Church in Las Vegas:

There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos. During Sunday services at the offertory, some worshippers contribute casino chips as opposed to cash. Some are sharing their winnings -- some are hoping to win. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, and they are worth money, the Catholic churches are required to send all the chips into the diocese for sorting. Once sorted into the respective casino chips, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash. And he, of course, is known as The Chip Monk.

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Old 01-30-2013, 05:59 PM   #2
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Extremely funny!! Thanks for the chuckle.
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Old 01-30-2013, 06:07 PM   #3
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All funny - but I almost pulled a "Turbo" (spewing liquid on my computer screen and keyboard) after reading the "Chip Monk".
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Old 01-30-2013, 06:10 PM   #4
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All funny - but I almost pulled a "Turbo" (spewing liquid on my computer screen and keyboard) after reading the "Chip Monk".
SEE NOW YOU KNOW what I mean !
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Old 01-30-2013, 06:12 PM   #5
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SEE NOW YOU KNOW what I mean !
Yeah - but remember - I don't make a habit of doing it.
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Old 01-30-2013, 06:13 PM   #6
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Being the head Usher in our church, I offer training to newbies when it comes to pew capacity during Mass. Much has to do with the mass of a person's deriere which must be taken into consideration prior to escorting a parishioner to their pew. It's very scientific, actually.
Thanks for the laugh, it's scary but I can relate to all of the items on the list!
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Old 01-30-2013, 06:23 PM   #7
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Being the head Usher in our church, I offer training to newbies when it comes to pew capacity during Mass. Much has to do with the mass of a person's deriere which must be taken into consideration prior to escorting a parishioner to their pew. It's very scientific, actually.
Thanks for the laugh, it's scary but I can relate to all of the items on the list!
WOW - do you really have them look at a person's deriere? If so, what are the standards they go by?

Are you the Tie Breaker if one usher says a person's deriere is too wide to fit in a pew and another usher says it's good to go?
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Old 01-30-2013, 06:32 PM   #8
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That's funny stuff but I had heard that two priests opened a fish and chip joint and that's where they got the fish friar and the chip monk.

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Old 01-30-2013, 06:33 PM   #9
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WOW - do you really have them look at a person's deriere? If so, what are the standards they go by?

Are you the Tie Breaker if one usher says a person's deriere is too wide to fit in a pew and another usher says it's good to go?
Do you use your RV training to distribute the weight evenly along the legs of the pew?
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Old 01-30-2013, 06:36 PM   #10
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That's funny stuff but I had heard that two priests opened a fish and chip joint and that's where they got the fish friar and the chip monk.

You guys have to stop - I am starting to turn into a "turbo" here.
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