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01-30-2013, 05:43 PM
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#1
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Senior Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Fort Worth
Posts: 664
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Catholic Humor
Catholic Humor
This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and top-secret code words, the better off they are!
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY. Created by boiling the HELL out of it.
HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize -- besides gyros and baklava. (For you non-Catholics, it means Lord have mercy.)
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
Little-known facts about the Catholic Church in Las Vegas:
There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos. During Sunday services at the offertory, some worshippers contribute casino chips as opposed to cash. Some are sharing their winnings -- some are hoping to win. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, and they are worth money, the Catholic churches are required to send all the chips into the diocese for sorting. Once sorted into the respective casino chips, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash. And he, of course, is known as The Chip Monk.
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01-30-2013, 05:59 PM
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#2
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Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Jefferson County, MO
Posts: 5,452
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Extremely funny!! Thanks for the chuckle.
__________________
Bob and Joyce
2013 CC Silverback 29RL
2010 Ford F250 XL Crew Cab 6.4 liter diesel
ATU Local 788
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01-30-2013, 06:07 PM
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#3
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Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Keller, Texas
Posts: 6,090
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All funny - but I almost pulled a "Turbo" (spewing liquid on my computer screen and keyboard) after reading the "Chip Monk". 
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01-30-2013, 06:10 PM
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#4
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Phat Phrog Stunt Team
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Iowa
Posts: 34,507
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Quote:
Originally Posted by B47
All funny - but I almost pulled a "Turbo" (spewing liquid on my computer screen and keyboard) after reading the "Chip Monk". |
SEE NOW YOU KNOW what I mean !
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01-30-2013, 06:12 PM
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#5
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Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Keller, Texas
Posts: 6,090
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Quote:
Originally Posted by f1100turbo
SEE NOW YOU KNOW what I mean !
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Yeah - but remember - I don't make a habit of doing it. 
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01-30-2013, 06:13 PM
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#6
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Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Clayton, NC
Posts: 695
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Being the head Usher in our church, I offer training to newbies when it comes to pew capacity during Mass. Much has to do with the mass of a person's deriere which must be taken into consideration prior to escorting a parishioner to their pew. It's very scientific, actually.
Thanks for the laugh, it's scary but I can relate to all of the items on the list!
__________________
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Prodigy
M.I.L. in Florida for good!! 
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01-30-2013, 06:23 PM
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#7
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Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Keller, Texas
Posts: 6,090
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Quote:
Originally Posted by amxpress
Being the head Usher in our church, I offer training to newbies when it comes to pew capacity during Mass. Much has to do with the mass of a person's deriere which must be taken into consideration prior to escorting a parishioner to their pew. It's very scientific, actually.
Thanks for the laugh, it's scary but I can relate to all of the items on the list!
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WOW - do you really have them look at a person's deriere? If so, what are the standards they go by?
Are you the Tie Breaker if one usher says a person's deriere is too wide to fit in a pew and another usher says it's good to go?
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01-30-2013, 06:32 PM
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#8
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Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwestern Ontario Canada
Posts: 551
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That's funny stuff but I had heard that two priests opened a fish and chip joint and that's where they got the fish friar and the chip monk.
__________________
 Best loved friend ever!!! (greatly missed)
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01-30-2013, 06:33 PM
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#9
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Graduate Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Columbia, MO
Posts: 508
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Quote:
Originally Posted by B47
WOW - do you really have them look at a person's deriere? If so, what are the standards they go by?
Are you the Tie Breaker if one usher says a person's deriere is too wide to fit in a pew and another usher says it's good to go?
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Do you use your RV training to distribute the weight evenly along the legs of the pew?
__________________
--2009 Sunseeker 2860DS (Class C)
- one Hotwife, and two boys under 2(with one on the way!)
2013 - 53 days 2012 - 26 days
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01-30-2013, 06:36 PM
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#10
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Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Keller, Texas
Posts: 6,090
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Quote:
Originally Posted by old guys
That's funny stuff but I had heard that two priests opened a fish and chip joint and that's where they got the fish friar and the chip monk.
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You guys have to stop - I am starting to turn into a "turbo" here.
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01-30-2013, 06:47 PM
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#11
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Phat Phrog Stunt Team
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Tipp City, OH
Posts: 7,154
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Quote:
Originally Posted by B47
Yeah - but remember - I don't make a habit of doing it. |
Was this an intentional nun joke? Good one, if it was!
__________________
2016 Georgetown 364TS
2017 Jeep Rubicon Recon toad
Nights Camped 2019 - 17
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01-30-2013, 06:53 PM
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#12
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Phat Phrog Stunt Team
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Iowa
Posts: 34,507
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Quote:
Originally Posted by B47
You guys have to stop - I am starting to turn into a "turbo" here. |
IS THAT possible ?
LOVE this joke tho !
double the humor when we all add to it !
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01-30-2013, 07:42 PM
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#13
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Moderator Emeritus
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 11,069
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Communion- known to many Catholics as the escape clause as once you take communion instead of going back to your seat in the pew you just keep walking down the aisle and out the door.
The blood of Christ- an opportunity for parishioners to share each others germs as the drink it. Also an opportunity for Eucharistic ministers to get drunk since they have to finish off that services wine...Er..blood of Christ.
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01-30-2013, 07:56 PM
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#14
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Phat Phrog Stunt Team
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Tipp City, OH
Posts: 7,154
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Having been raised Catholic, served in the church, and a great uncle that was a priest and considered the "Pope of Puerto Rico" (you can actually google that), I have more Catholic jokes and real stories that are hilarious than can or should be repeated on this forum. My great uncle would love to tell jokes and funny stories. It's good we relate and laugh at ourselves.
__________________
2016 Georgetown 364TS
2017 Jeep Rubicon Recon toad
Nights Camped 2019 - 17
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01-30-2013, 08:15 PM
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#15
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Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: michigan
Posts: 155
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__________________
2014 F150, Supercrew, 3.5L Eco-Boost, 3.73, Max Tow
2012 Prime Time Tracer 2670 BHS
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01-30-2013, 08:43 PM
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#16
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Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Keller, Texas
Posts: 6,090
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ttrost65
Was this an intentional nun joke? Good one, if it was!
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No it wasn't intentional - but I'll take credit for it.
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01-30-2013, 09:11 PM
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#17
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phat phrog stunt crew
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: bethalto il
Posts: 1,422
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im not catholic, but a lutheran instead. people ask the difference between lutheran and catholics, and i explain being lutheran is like being catholic, but without the guilt 
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01-30-2013, 09:18 PM
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#18
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Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Keller, Texas
Posts: 6,090
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I hope we (myself) haven't offended Joenic53, the OP of this thread with all the various responses here.
I better be careful - I live in the city next to him.
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01-30-2013, 09:21 PM
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#19
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Phat Phrog Stunt Team
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Iowa
Posts: 34,507
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Quote:
Originally Posted by B47
I hope we (myself) haven't offended Joenic53, the OP of this thread with all the various responses here.
I better be careful - I live in the city next to him.
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DOES he own rifles ?
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01-30-2013, 09:25 PM
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#20
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Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Keller, Texas
Posts: 6,090
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Quote:
Originally Posted by f1100turbo
DOES he own rifles ? |
Smart man - he doesn't say.
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