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Old 09-04-2015, 04:00 PM   #11
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So a police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, "This dog tells me you're on drugs."

"I'm on drugs? You're the one talking to dogs."
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 09-04-2015, 04:10 PM   #12
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Some people like to argue that marijuana is good for you because it's natural, but they don't realize that just because it's natural doesn't mean it's safe. Want to know what else is natural?

Bears.
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Old 09-05-2015, 10:19 AM   #13
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They say that one in every seven friends has OCD.

It's not me.

It's either Albert, Brian, Craig, Dave, Edward or Fred.
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Old 12-07-2015, 09:31 PM   #14
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I woke up in hospital after a bad car accident. "What's the last thing you remember?" asked a doctor, shining a light in my eyes.

"You asking me what the last thing I remember is," I said.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 12-08-2015, 12:57 PM   #15
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Getting old is just a matter of narrowly missing all the things that kill you.
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Old 12-11-2015, 08:05 AM   #16
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I just laid out a 30ft x 15ft blue tarpaulin on my back lawn.

Now when my neighbors use google earth it will look like I've got a massive swimming pool.
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Old 12-12-2015, 05:00 AM   #17
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A farmer friend of mine was telling me he's managed to cross a chicken with a cow.

Sounds like a cock and bull story to me.
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Old 12-12-2015, 05:03 AM   #18
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They say even a broken clock tells the correct time twice a day.

Not mine, the hands are missing.
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Old 01-14-2016, 07:38 AM   #19
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How I count to ten:
1 ,2 ,3 ,4 ,5 ,6 ,7 ,8 ,9 ,10

How Bill Gates counts to ten:
1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10
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Old 01-14-2016, 10:43 AM   #20
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There's a special place in hull reserved for the inventor of autocorrect
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