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Old 01-14-2016, 10:54 AM   #21
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I've just upgraded to Directv HD.

I'm impressed.

The phrase 'No satellite signal' has never been so colorful and clear.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 01-14-2016, 11:03 AM   #22
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I've got a smartphone, with a dumb battery.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 01-21-2016, 09:23 PM   #23
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First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.

Then they gave me hypodermics.

Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis.

I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis.

I don't know how I pulled through it..

It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 02-07-2016, 05:20 PM   #24
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A new report has concluded that dog owners are more outgoing than cat owners.

Hardly surprising. You have to take a dog for walks.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 02-07-2016, 05:50 PM   #25
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A man decides to join a monastery where they're only allowed to say 2 words every 10 yrs.

10 yrs go by and they have a big dinner and the man stands up and says, "Bed hard" and sits down.

Another 10 yrs go by, they have a big dinner, the man stands up and says, "Food bad" and sits down.

Another 10 yrs go by, they have a big dinner, the man stands up and says, "I quit," and sits down.

The head monk stands up and says, "Well, I'm not surprised. All you've done since you got here is complain!"
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Old 04-07-2016, 05:17 PM   #26
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I met a genie today who granted me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."

"Fine," I said, "I want to die when the Chicago Cubs win the World Series again."

"You're a sly devil!" said the genie.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 04-08-2016, 10:57 AM   #27
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wmtire View Post
I met a genie today who granted me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."

"Fine," I said, "I want to die when the Chicago Cubs win the World Series again."

"You're a sly devil!" said the genie.
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Old 04-09-2016, 09:50 AM   #28
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And I thought it was the Goat All This Time
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Old 04-30-2016, 10:27 AM   #29
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I can't help being lazy.

It walks in the family.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 05-15-2016, 12:07 PM   #30
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I see that software legend Photoshop is turning 26 this year.

Actually, it's turning 42.

It just looks 26.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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