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05-24-2019, 09:54 AM
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#921
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Scoundrel
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Montrose, Colorado
Posts: 2,809
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A rookie police officer pulled me over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Me: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Me: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Me: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Me: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Me: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. I was then quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached me to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Me: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Me: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Me: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Me: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Me: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
__________________
2024 Geo Pro 15TB, 400W Solar, 2 Golf Cart batteries
2015 F-150 5.0L V8 XLT Crew Cab, 4x4, Tow Package, 36 gal tank, 3.55 locker, 1891 payload, Integrated Brake Controller, Roadmaster Active Suspension
Wooden Spoon Survivor
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05-24-2019, 08:44 PM
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#922
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,952
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Arnold Schwarzenegger at the age of seventy one is to star in a new Terminator film later this year.
They have changed his catchphrase slightly though to, "Ah, me back. "
__________________
 2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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05-24-2019, 08:47 PM
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#923
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,952
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I became a real smooth talker just after I ironed my tongue.
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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05-26-2019, 01:38 PM
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#924
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Scoundrel
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Montrose, Colorado
Posts: 2,809
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.....
__________________
2024 Geo Pro 15TB, 400W Solar, 2 Golf Cart batteries
2015 F-150 5.0L V8 XLT Crew Cab, 4x4, Tow Package, 36 gal tank, 3.55 locker, 1891 payload, Integrated Brake Controller, Roadmaster Active Suspension
Wooden Spoon Survivor
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05-26-2019, 02:02 PM
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#925
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Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 353
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HangDiver
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Hold my bottle!
__________________
Joel K
2013 Coachman Mirada 29DSSE
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06-04-2019, 01:14 PM
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#926
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,952
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I'm proud to be unique
I just wish there were more people like me.
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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06-04-2019, 01:15 PM
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#927
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,952
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I failed my python breeding class because of a late assignment.
My homework ate my dog...
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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06-04-2019, 01:18 PM
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#928
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,952
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"Three in four workers back a shorter week"
The only problem with that is that if you take out two days there will be 73 weeks in a year, so you'll end up working more of them.
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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06-05-2019, 08:01 AM
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#929
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Site Team
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Northen IL
Posts: 8,324
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wmtire
I'm proud to be unique
I just wish there were more people like me.
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Just remember that you are unique.
Just like everyone else... 
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06-05-2019, 03:29 PM
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#930
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,952
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Ukraine has announced plans to open Chernobyl as a theme park.
They say ”Its just like Disneyland.”
Yeah, except the 6-foot mouse is real.
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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06-08-2019, 12:59 AM
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#931
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,952
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It really has been a bit of a strange day!
First, I found a hat full of money,
and then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar..?
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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06-08-2019, 08:58 AM
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#932
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Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 7,916
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A police officer pulls over an elderly couple
He walks up to the driver's side window and asks the husband for his license and registration.
The wife, hard of hearing, asks "what?! What did he say to you?"
The husband replies "he wants my license!"
The officer asks him if he knew how fast he was going.
The wife yells "what?! What did he say to you?"
The husband yells back "he says I was speeding!"
As the officer looks at the license he notices they're from Ohio "you know, I used to live in Ohio. Worst place ever. I was seeing this woman there, and it was just miserable. She would never shut up, couldn't cook worth a crap, constantly belittled me, and she was awful in bed”
The old lady once again yells "what?! What did he say to you?"
The husband yells back "he said he thinks he knows you!!
__________________
2017 Puma 297RLSS
2005 Ram 2500 4X4 diesel SMOKER!!
I love puns, irony and tasteless jokes...
born in Texas.... live in Arkansas 
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06-08-2019, 09:53 AM
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#933
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,952
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When I was asked if I could come up with a good beer joke..
I replied, of Coors I can.
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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06-14-2019, 06:30 AM
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#934
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Scoundrel
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Montrose, Colorado
Posts: 2,809
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.....
__________________
2024 Geo Pro 15TB, 400W Solar, 2 Golf Cart batteries
2015 F-150 5.0L V8 XLT Crew Cab, 4x4, Tow Package, 36 gal tank, 3.55 locker, 1891 payload, Integrated Brake Controller, Roadmaster Active Suspension
Wooden Spoon Survivor
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06-18-2019, 09:52 AM
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#935
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,952
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I will never understand why my fridge has a picture of a carrot on the beer drawer!
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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06-19-2019, 04:28 AM
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#936
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,952
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I just found a dead body in the street
So I took it home and put it on the cat's pillow
See how she likes it !
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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06-21-2019, 06:50 AM
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#937
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,952
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I was lying in bed last night, counting sheep, when I thought to myself: 'I could have sworn I shut the barn door...'
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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06-21-2019, 06:54 AM
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#938
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Senior Member
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 5,712
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wmtire
I just found a dead body in the street
So I took it home and put it on the cat's pillow
See how she likes it !
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CLEAN UP ON COMPUTER SCREEN #1 Large coffee spray....bring a mop. 
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06-21-2019, 06:57 AM
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#939
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Senior Member
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 5,712
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My head is very slowly 3D printing my hair.
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06-21-2019, 06:59 AM
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#940
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Senior Member
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 5,712
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If you step on someone’s foot, they open their mouth – just like a garbage bin.
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