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Old 03-21-2017, 03:33 PM   #181
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Originally Posted by wmtire View Post
I don't understand fast food

I've been eating it for years but I seem to be getting slower and slower.
I have a similar issue with smart phones...
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Old 03-24-2017, 09:57 AM   #182
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Some person complained about my driving. Said I shouldn't be on the highway.

I'll play golf wherever I want!
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Old 03-28-2017, 03:38 AM   #183
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I read that the standards of education in the U.S. today are so low that many school graduates have no working knowledge of American history.

If she could see what's become of the country she died for, Joan of Arc would turn in her grave.
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Old 03-28-2017, 09:27 AM   #184
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I rear ended a car this morning...
I tell you, it was going to be a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"

So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"

That's how the fight started...
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Old 03-30-2017, 10:41 AM   #185
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I think I've been eating too much salmon recently

I just tried to run up an escalator that was going down.
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Old 04-05-2017, 04:16 AM   #186
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I'm getting fired at work, because according to them, I'm "The worst accountant the company's ever had." And I "Haven't got a clue about numbers."

Yeah, whatever. It's nothing I haven't heard befive.
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Old 04-05-2017, 04:17 AM   #187
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My doctor gave me six months to live.But I couldn't pay the bill, so he gave me another six months!
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Old 04-17-2017, 02:42 AM   #188
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A farmer plays a prank on Easter Sunday. After the egg hunt, he sneaks into the chicken coop and replaces every white egg with a brightly colored one.

Minutes later, the rooster walks in. He spots the colored eggs. He then storms out and beats the tar out of the peacock.
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Old 04-20-2017, 08:49 PM   #189
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Not trying to pick on the Irish (great people) - but you could probably substitute any pair of nationalities!!


Murphy applied for a fork lift operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Norwegian the job."

Murphy, .. "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish, surely I should get the job."

Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."

Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"

Manager, "Simple; on question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
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Tolerance will reach such a level that intelligent people will be banned from thinking so as not to offend the imbeciles. Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky, Russian Novelist
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Old 04-22-2017, 12:58 AM   #190
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I can't remember the last time I had a Diet Coke
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Old 04-24-2017, 07:59 PM   #191
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Some beer related wisdom:

"Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”
Babe Ruth

"If all you had to look forward to was sleeping with Lady Bird you'd stay drunk too."
Lyndon B. Johnson

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”
Paul Horning

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.”
H. L. Mencken

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!”
George Bernard Shaw

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
Benjamin Franklin

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza”
Dave Barry

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B.C.!
W. C. Fields

Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.
Professor Irwin Corey


To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
Leo Durocher

One night at Cheers (TV Sitcom), Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson:
"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this… A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”

Prosit!!!

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I am starting to think, that I will never be old enough--------to know better.
Tolerance will reach such a level that intelligent people will be banned from thinking so as not to offend the imbeciles. Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky, Russian Novelist
S.E. Mich. Flagstaff 26FKWS / 2022 F-150 3.5 EcoBoost SCrew Propride
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Old 05-02-2017, 10:02 AM   #192
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I just found the perfect place to hide things, a place no one ever looks.

Page two of Google's search results.
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Old 05-04-2017, 07:51 PM   #193
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I'm great at multitasking; I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
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I am starting to think, that I will never be old enough--------to know better.
Tolerance will reach such a level that intelligent people will be banned from thinking so as not to offend the imbeciles. Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky, Russian Novelist
S.E. Mich. Flagstaff 26FKWS / 2022 F-150 3.5 EcoBoost SCrew Propride
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Old 05-04-2017, 07:52 PM   #194
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Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
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I am starting to think, that I will never be old enough--------to know better.
Tolerance will reach such a level that intelligent people will be banned from thinking so as not to offend the imbeciles. Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky, Russian Novelist
S.E. Mich. Flagstaff 26FKWS / 2022 F-150 3.5 EcoBoost SCrew Propride
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Old 05-04-2017, 07:52 PM   #195
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Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
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I am starting to think, that I will never be old enough--------to know better.
Tolerance will reach such a level that intelligent people will be banned from thinking so as not to offend the imbeciles. Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky, Russian Novelist
S.E. Mich. Flagstaff 26FKWS / 2022 F-150 3.5 EcoBoost SCrew Propride
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Old 05-04-2017, 07:54 PM   #196
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If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
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I am starting to think, that I will never be old enough--------to know better.
Tolerance will reach such a level that intelligent people will be banned from thinking so as not to offend the imbeciles. Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky, Russian Novelist
S.E. Mich. Flagstaff 26FKWS / 2022 F-150 3.5 EcoBoost SCrew Propride
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Old 05-05-2017, 06:29 AM   #197
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What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?

An offer you can't understand.
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Old 05-25-2017, 06:50 PM   #198
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Little Johnny was sitting in class, when the teacher called on him and said, "Johnny, could you use 'I' in a sentence please?

"Little Johnny began, "I is--"

"Little Johnny," said the teacher, "you've learned this by now, the correct grammar is 'I am'."

Johnny continued, "I am the 9th letter of the alphabet."
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Old 06-03-2017, 05:31 AM   #199
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I just accidentally backed into a Ferrari in a parking garage.

But I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling me.
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Old 06-08-2017, 11:23 AM   #200
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We had a customer in our shop who installs cable television for a living. He asked me what time it was.

I told him it was sometime between 8am and 6pm
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