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Old 10-11-2012, 12:41 PM   #1
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How to start a fight


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied

You didn't use the one I bought you last year.

Al and Deb
Sarge, Sugar and Ginger
2006 Silverado "Predator"
2011 Greywolf 26rl "Wounded Wolf"
camped 2013 94 days 2014 24 days

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Old 10-11-2012, 01:26 PM   #2
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Too damn funny! LOL

2013 Sabre 32RCTS-6 (sold)
Family of 4 whose always on the GEAUX!
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Old 10-11-2012, 02:42 PM   #3
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the wife said I needed to get rid of 110 lbs of ugly fat - so I divorced her....


I'm a widower, twice over.. 1st wife died from eating poison mushrooms.. 2nd wife died from blows to the head - she wouldn't eat the poison mushrooms


true story.. (I had heard about this happening somewhere up on the East coast and waited a few years until I could "use it")

flying for the Continental Airlines we had a trip from Houston to San Jose, Ca and a layover for the night. the airport was having runway & taxiway construction so on-the-ground aircraft movement took some planning

we landed to the North then had to taxi back South, make a connection to another taxiway and proceed to our gate. there was however a Company 737 that was just about to leave his gate but hadn't yet started his engines. the female ground controller instructed us to proceed to but hold short of a particular taxiway. listening to our Company 737 on our Company frequency I realized that he'd be another few minutes before leaving his gate and I asked the co-pilot to ask the female controller if, because of the delay, we could proceed to our gate - he did ask

and she came back with "Continental so & so, I told you to hold short !" - there was the perfect few seconds of silence and I got on the radio (she didn't know my voice) and said... "didn't I used to be married to you ?"

no further chatter on the radio until our Company 737 had pushed back from his gate, started the engines and taxied past us for their takeoff - we were then cleared to proceed to our gate (after sitting/waiting for about 5 minutes)

next day we were sitting in our 727, doing receiving aircraft checklists, when a Company 737 landed and pulled into the gate next to us - the Captain of that flight dismounted his aircraft and was going into operations to get his continuing flight's paperwork when he made a 90 turn, came up our boarding stairs and asked "was that you guys yesterday who did the 'didn't I used to be married to you' ?"

I confessed and he said they laughed all the way to San Diego the previous evening

so, I got my chance and made the most of it - true story.....Bill
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Old 10-23-2012, 02:22 PM   #4
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Some more "How to start a fight tips"

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started !!!!
Nigel & Bev
Brit Driver & Canadian Naviguesser

2011 Rockwood Signature Ultra Lite 8280ws
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Old 10-23-2012, 02:47 PM   #5
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Good ones Nigel, here's one I got today and thought it was funny.

Two guys, one old, one young,
are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her...
what does she look like?"
The young guy says,
"Well, she is 27 yrs. old,tall, with red hair,
blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra,
long legs, and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says,"Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours."

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Pulled with a 2011 F-250 Super Duty 6.7 Diesel Crew Cab and 8' box with a Hensley BD-3 Trailer Saver. F R O G members.

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Old 10-23-2012, 02:56 PM   #6
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And then the one about the guy who told his wife to come and go with him to the gas station whereupon she ask why? He replied, "So I don't have to kiss you good bye". And the fight started.

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