Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 06-12-2013, 09:48 PM   #1
Senior Member
nuisance's Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Iowa
Posts: 936
Laugh out loud


WARNING : ONLY Read This When You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD.

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to crap yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chilies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, CRAP, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chilies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chilies fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red apron clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. ..........BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my butt was burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-b****!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Idiots claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

Al and Deb
Sarge, Sugar and Ginger
2006 Silverado "Predator"
2011 Greywolf 26rl "Wounded Wolf"
camped 2013 94 days 2014 24 days

nuisance is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2013, 09:55 PM   #2
Senior Member
caper's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,971
I laughed so hard had tears running down my

Terry and Janet
2008 3001W Windjammer
2007 Ford F150
caper is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-13-2013, 12:45 AM   #3
Pawpod's Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 54
(sound of metal hitting metal) Gas! Gas! Gas!

If you served on ground forces you know what I mean,! Lol
Pawpod is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-13-2013, 02:35 AM   #4
Just a member
kandl's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Cool Pool, AB
Posts: 738
Priceless - well done! And as advised and in concert with the march of time, never trust a fart.
Keith, Lori & the Wild Bunch
TT: 2011 Rockwood 8293RKSS
TV: 2009 Dodge Ram 1500 CC 4x4 (ya.. it's got a Hemi
kandl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-13-2013, 06:57 AM   #5
Senior Member
Oakman's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Jefferson County, MO
Posts: 4,687
Not too many actually make me laugh out loud but that one really did.

Love the Avatar nuisance.

Bob and Joyce
2013 CC Silverback 29RL
2010 Ford F250 XL Crew Cab 6.4 liter diesel
ATU Local 788
Oakman is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-13-2013, 07:11 AM   #6
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Lake City Florida
Posts: 97
Well written, better than this morning's comics.
jamesroadking is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-13-2013, 07:47 AM   #7
Moderator Emeritus
Triguy's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Southeast Wisconsin
Posts: 6,951
This is great. Thanks for the laugh!
DW, 3 Kids and our Goldens

2012 Shamrock 233S
2008 Toyota Sequoia 5.7L 4WD
Triguy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-13-2013, 08:32 AM   #8
Incheon, S. Korea
BigBaron's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Incheon, South Korea
Posts: 1,151
I wonder if it's the same person?
Me, Julie, Lil' Barry, Faith, and OSDs, Fang and Treaty
2003 Hyundai Starex (H1), 2012 Coachmen Clipper 126
I don't know when we'll be able to go camping again...
BigBaron is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-13-2013, 08:42 AM   #9
Mod free 5er
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Concord, NC
Posts: 23,860
Are you Turbs brother?
That was hilarious and have been known to have had similar episodes but not quite that odorous.
OldCoot is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-13-2013, 10:41 AM   #10
2008 Mirada 350 DS
Join Date: May 2013
Location: WNY
Posts: 22
OMG Im crying.... I had to run and use the bathroom so I didn't pee myself. If that was your goal, got pretty close.

awall is offline   Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off

» Virginia Campgrounds

Reviews provided by is not in any way associated with Forest River, Inc. or its associated RV manufacturing divisions.

Our Communities

Our communities encompass many different hobbies and interests, but each one is built on friendly, intelligent membership.

» More about our Communities

Automotive Communities

Our Automotive communities encompass many different makes and models. From U.S. domestics to European Saloons.

» More about our Automotive Communities

Marine Communities

Our Marine websites focus on Cruising and Sailing Vessels, including forums and the largest cruising Wiki project on the web today.

» More about our Marine Communities

Copyright 2002-2015 Social Knowledge, LLC All Rights Reserved.

All times are GMT -5. The time now is 12:20 AM.