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Old 11-01-2013, 04:48 PM   #1
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marriage jokes

When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple “Calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her a lot upset.


My husband-to-be and I were at the county clerk's office for our marriage license. After recording the vital information--names, dates
of birth, etc--the clerk handed me our license and deadpanned, "No refunds, no exchanges, no warranties."

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, "You're only interested in one thing," and you can't remember what it is.

A woman told a marriage counselor that her husband's complaint that he leads a dog's life is probably well founded.

"He comes in the house with muddy feet," she said, "tracks across my clean floors, barks at nothing, growls at his food and makes himself comfortable on my best furniture."

One golfer to another: First it was my marriage; now, the magic has gone out of my nine iron too.

Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.

Marriage is a union. A union of heart, a union of soul, a union of minds, but wait till you have to pay those union dues.

They say marriage is a contract. No, it's not. Contracts come with warranties. When something goes wrong, you can take it back to the manufacturer. If your husband starts acting up, you can't take him back to his mama's house.

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.
Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

Love is holding hands in the street
Marriage is holding arguments in the street


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Iíve lost my scapegoat.
I have nobody to blame but myself.
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Old 11-01-2013, 05:14 PM   #2
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Thanks, I just forwarded it to some friends. I'll add one:
When people ask me how long we've been married I say too.
The ask "Two years?" to which I reply "Too long".

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Old 11-01-2013, 05:59 PM   #3
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Marriage is great, but the magic is long gone out of my nine iron.
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Old 11-01-2013, 06:43 PM   #4
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My momma always said "You can get married when you can't get nothing else."
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Old 11-01-2013, 07:17 PM   #5
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Marriage is like a tornado! It starts off with a lot of sucking and blowing, and ends up with someone losing a house.
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Old 11-01-2013, 08:14 PM   #6
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"Man is not complete until he is married........Then he's finished".
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Old 11-02-2013, 11:38 AM   #7
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Marriage is like taking a bath.....once you get used to it, it ain't so hot!
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Old 11-02-2013, 12:59 PM   #8
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There are 3 rings to matrimony - the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering!
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Old 11-02-2013, 02:09 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by AquaMan View Post
Marriage is like a tornado! It starts off with a lot of sucking and blowing, and ends up with someone losing a house.
I do hope this isn't offensive to anyone, if it is, please feel free to remove it.

Philosophy about vacuuming

Men love to vacuum! Fact. Why? Because For men, doing the vacuuming reminds them of sex. Allow me to explain.

First off, it involves making a lot of noise with something that sucks and blows.
You can do it in every room of the house .............and don't forget the car. If you include the 'Garden vac' you can even do it outside!
It can be done in a variety of different ways and you can fantasize while you do it without anyone else knowing.
You can do it carefree and fast or attentive and slow.
There are a number of different tools and gadgets available for those 'speciality' or difficult to reach places.
And finally, after a couple of minutes of frantic activity, you can collapse onto the sofa convinced in your own mind that you have satisfied the wife (or girlfriend).

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Old 11-02-2013, 06:30 PM   #10
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Father Ed told this one at our wedding (and every wedding!)

The nervous bride at the front of the church began to look around to distract herself from the huge journey she was about to embark on.
To distract herself she looked at her groom. So young like her just a boy.
Then she looked at the aisle that he would soon walk down.
Then she gazed at the alter and pondered its significance.
Last her eyes fell on the board with the page numbers for the hymns.
Then she looked again and the importance of these symbols struck her.
The boy.
The aisle.
The alter.
The hymn.
Boy - aisle - alter - hymn!!!

That said, remember if momma's not happy no one is happy!

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