marriage jokes

[wmtire]

When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple “Calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her a lot upset.

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My husband-to-be and I were at the county clerk's office for our marriage license. After recording the vital information--names, dates
of birth, etc--the clerk handed me our license and deadpanned, "No refunds, no exchanges, no warranties."
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Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, "You're only interested in one thing," and you can't remember what it is.
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A woman told a marriage counselor that her husband's complaint that he leads a dog's life is probably well founded.

"He comes in the house with muddy feet," she said, "tracks across my clean floors, barks at nothing, growls at his food and makes himself comfortable on my best furniture."
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One golfer to another: First it was my marriage; now, the magic has gone out of my nine iron too.
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Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.
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Marriage is a union. A union of heart, a union of soul, a union of minds, but wait till you have to pay those union dues.
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They say marriage is a contract. No, it's not. Contracts come with warranties. When something goes wrong, you can take it back to the manufacturer. If your husband starts acting up, you can't take him back to his mama's house.
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Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.
Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
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Love is holding hands in the street
Marriage is holding arguments in the street

[Wiscampsin]

Thanks, I just forwarded it to some friends. I'll add one:
When people ask me how long we've been married I say too.
The ask "Two years?" to which I reply "Too long".

[Broadway Joe]

Marriage is great, but the magic is long gone out of my nine iron.

[Iwannacamp]

My momma always said "You can get married when you can't get nothing else."

[AquaMan]

Marriage is like a tornado! It starts off with a lot of sucking and blowing, and ends up with someone losing a house.

[Patches]

"Man is not complete until he is married........Then he's finished".

[Sargent's Fox Hole]

Marriage is like taking a bath.....once you get used to it, it ain't so hot!

[rockfordroo]

There are 3 rings to matrimony - the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering!

[Hutch333id]

Originally Posted by AquaMan

Marriage is like a tornado! It starts off with a lot of sucking and blowing, and ends up with someone losing a house.

I do hope this isn't offensive to anyone, if it is, please feel free to remove it.

Philosophy about vacuuming


Men love to vacuum! Fact. Why? Because For men, doing the vacuuming reminds them of sex. Allow me to explain.

First off, it involves making a lot of noise with something that sucks and blows.
You can do it in every room of the house .............and don't forget the car. If you include the 'Garden vac' you can even do it outside!
It can be done in a variety of different ways and you can fantasize while you do it without anyone else knowing.
You can do it carefree and fast or attentive and slow.
There are a number of different tools and gadgets available for those 'speciality' or difficult to reach places.
And finally, after a couple of minutes of frantic activity, you can collapse onto the sofa convinced in your own mind that you have satisfied the wife (or girlfriend).

[Arefbee]

Father Ed told this one at our wedding (and every wedding!)

The nervous bride at the front of the church began to look around to distract herself from the huge journey she was about to embark on.
To distract herself she looked at her groom. So young like her just a boy.
Then she looked at the aisle that he would soon walk down.
Then she gazed at the alter and pondered its significance.
Last her eyes fell on the board with the page numbers for the hymns.
Then she looked again and the importance of these symbols struck her.
The boy.
The aisle.
The alter.
The hymn.
Boy - aisle - alter - hymn!!!

That said, remember if momma's not happy no one is happy!

[rockfordroo]

Women marry men hoping they'll change.

Men marry women hoping they won't.

They're both disappointed in the end.

[wmtire]

Originally Posted by Sargent's Fox Hole

Marriage is like taking a bath.....once you get used to it, it ain't so hot!

That's too funny

[wrvond]

A man does not know true happiness until he gets married. Then it's too late...

[OldCoot]

Am happy to say that after 53+ yrs, I'd do it over. I got a good one. Too bad she can't say the same.

[wmtire]

Originally Posted by OldCoot

Am happy to say that after 53+ yrs, I'd do it over. I got a good one. Too bad she can't say the same.

ROFL

Being in the middle of a "making our attorneys" rich style divorce, I can say I had one of those trophy wive's...............it just wasn't for first place. LOL

[OldCoot]

Originally Posted by wmtire

...Being in the middle of a "making our attorneys" rich style divorce, I can say I had one of those trophy wive's...............it just wasn't for first place. LOL

Sorry to hear it. Oldest son got one after 26 yrs a year ago in Sep. Made both lawyers wealthier just because she wanted a lawyer. Ended up she settled for exactly what he offered her in the first place before the lawyers got hired. No cure for dumb.

[wmtire]

Marriage is like a bar of soap. It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it!

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In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen

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Harry had been feeling sick lately and was finally convinced to see the Doctor after his wife Suzy’s urging. After a thorough examination, and much thought, the Doctor was ready to tell Harry and a very worried Suzy, his prognosis.

Harry was too stressed out. He would need 6 months of pure relaxation.

Suzy, very agitated, took out her notepad to begin writing down his list of orders for these months of relaxation.

“How should I go about it?” asked Harry.

“OK” said the doctor “I would like your wife to take one tranquilizer four times a day…”

[AquaMan]

Originally Posted by wmtire

ROFL Being in the middle of a "making our attorneys" rich style divorce, I can say I had one of those trophy wive's...............it just wasn't for first place. LOL

Been there done that. My divorce took 2 1/2 years. The consolation was that ex spent 2x what she was awarded on attorneys, accountants, and specialists. It's been 12yrs and she's still paying off attorney. Hang in there.