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Old 02-15-2013, 02:21 PM   #1
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Midlife joke

Midlife is when you go to the doctor
and you realize you are now so old,
you have to pay someone to look at you naked




Midlife women no longer have upper arms,
we have wingspans...we are no
longer women in sleeveless shirts,
we are flying squirrels in drag.


Midlife has hit you when you stand
naked in front of a mirror and can
see your rear end without turning around.


You know you are getting old when you
go for a mammogram and you realize
it is the only time someone will
ask you to appear topless in film.




You know you've crossed the midlife
threshold when you're in the grocery
store and you hear a Muzak version
of "Stairway to Heaven" in the
produce department.

Midlife is when you bounce (a lot),
but you don't bounce back.
(It's more like Splat!).

Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws
you curves...and that you're
now sitting on your biggest ones
It's very hard to "get jiggy with it"
in midlife....jiggly, yes; jiggy, no.




Midlife is when your 1970s Body-by-Jake
now includes Legs-by-Rand
McNally. (more red and blue lines than
an accurately scaled map of the
state of Wisconsin).

Midlife is when you want to grab every
firm young lovely in a tube top
and scream, "Listen, honey, even the
Roman Empire fell, and those things
will too!

Midlife can bring out your angry,
bitter side. You look at your
latte-swilling, beeper-wearing
know-it-all teenager and think,
"For this I have stretch marks?




Midlife is when your memory really
starts to go. The only thing you
still retain is water.

You become more reflective in midlife.
You start pondering the "big"
questions-- what is life, why am I here--
how much Healthy Choice ice
cream can I eat before it's
no longer a healthy choice.
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Ducks are just all-terrain chickens
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Old 02-15-2013, 06:08 PM   #2
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You may be headed over the hill if. . .

You and your teeth don't sleep together.
You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
At the breakfast table, you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
Your back goes out but you stay home.
You wake up looking like your driver's license photo.
It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
When happy hour is a nap.
When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
When all you want for your birthday is to notbe reminded of your age.
When you step off the curb and look down one more time to make sure the

street is still there.
Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.
You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember
being on top of it.
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Ducks are just all-terrain chickens
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Old 02-15-2013, 06:09 PM   #3
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Ducks are just all-terrain chickens
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