More relationship humor

[howie70]

A man was on the way to work one morning and got pulled over for speeding.
The officer tells him he was clocked doing 70 in a 55, but he is feeling generous. If the man can give him an excuse he has before hear before he will let him go.
The man thinks for a few seconds then tells him "3 years ago my now ex-wife ran off with a state trooper"
Cop: "Yeah, and?"
Man: "I thought you were bringing her back."


Cop: "Have a nice day. Drive safe."

[wmtire]

The day I proposed to my wife was the best day of my life.


Her mother died of a heart attack after hearing the news.

[wmtire]

My girlfriend prepared a fried breakfast for me this morning.

I could tell she'd never made cornflakes before.

[wmtire]

I can't believe my in-laws took sides when our marriage ended.

I mean, they visit her nearly every day and haven't dropped in to see me once,

and my prison is on the way to her cemetery.

[wmtire]

My wife said last night, "Do you realize my mother is coming over for dinner in 5 minutes?"

I replied, "Yes I know, I'm getting ready now"

"That sounds like her car pulling up outside"

"No, that's my taxi, see you later"

[wmtire]

The police have just released my mother-in-law after questioning her about the murder of her husband.

They only spoke to her for 2 minutes before coming to the conclusion he committed suicide.

[wmtire]

I was about to go pick up my mother-in-law from the airport when my wife warned me that she thought her memory was going, which gave me a great idea.

When I got to the airport I said, "Thanks for coming. Have a nice flight!"

[wmtire]

Last week when I saw my mother-in-law I made a joke about her weight and it didn't go down well.

I was at a family party yesterday and so I went over to her to apologize.

She explained that she was very sensitive about her weight and thanked me for the apology.

I said I'm glad I got it off my chest as I felt there was an elephant in the room when I arrived.

[Platokidd]

Fred and Rick were in a pub. Fred says to his mate, 'My mother-in-law is an angel.'
Rick replies, 'You're lucky. Mine is still alive.'

[Platokidd]

Lawyer to his client: “Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?”
Son-in-law: “Take no chances ? order all three.”

[Platokidd]

Definition of mixed emotions. Seeing your mother-in-law drive over a cliff in your new truck.

[Platokidd]

I was walking with my wife and my mother-in-law through Central Park last week, when suddenly, three guys jumped out and started beating up my mother-in-law. My wife turned to me and asked, “Well, aren’t you going to help?” I replied, “Don’t you think the three of them will do the job?”

[wmtire]

My wife entered "The Biggest Loser" and was really disappointed when they announced the winner.


Me.

[wmtire]

I walked into the house and said, "Hello gorgeous," gave her a big kiss and started rubbing my hands all over her body.

"Oh, for God's sake, give it a rest!" yelled my wife.

"Shut up," I replied, "you'll frighten the new puppy."

[wmtire]

I said to my girlfriend, "Please get me a newspaper."

"Don't be silly," she replied, "you can borrow my iPad."


That spider never knew what hit it.

[Kaadk]

Originally Posted by wmtire

I said to my girlfriend, "Please get me a newspaper."

"Don't be silly," she replied, "you can borrow my iPad."


That spider never knew what hit it.

Now that's just cold. You don't talk about iPad's like that.




Sent from my iPhone using Forest River Forums

[wmtire]

Garmin has come out with the wife voice option for your gps unit. Now, you will hear things like: "Fine! Turn whichever way you want! You never listen to me anyway!"

[wmtire]

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules of dealing with women. At last this points guide will help you to understand just how it works.

AIM:

Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that's just the way the game's played.

Here's a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed ...............................+1
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....-1
You leave the toilet seat up....................-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty... 0
When the toilet paper has run out, you resort to Kleenex...-1
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings...+5
in the snow.....................................+8
but return with beer............................-5
and no liners..................................-25

You check out a suspicious noise at night.........0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something...+5
You smash it with a bat...................+10
It's her cat...................................-40

AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire evening........... 0
You stay by her side for a bit, then go and chat with a friend from the bar...-2
Called Tiffany......................-4
Who is a lap dancer................-10
With breast implants...............-18

HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday............................... 0
You buy a card and flowers.............................. 0
You take her out to dinner.............................. 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1
Ok, it is a sports bar................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.........................-3
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team...-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a friend....................................... 0
The friend is happily married..........................+1
The friend is single...................................-7
He drives a Ferrari.................................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED)........-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a see a film..........................+2
You take her to a see a film she likes................+4
You take her to a see a film you hate.................+6
You take her to a see a film you like.................-2
It's called Death Cop III.............................-3
Featuring Cyborgs that eat humans.....................-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly...................-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it...+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and
baggy shirts...-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."......-800

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding......................-10
You reply, "Where?".............................-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your butt".........-100
Any other response..............................-20

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression.............0
You listen, for over 30 minutes..........................+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience.... +50
You're mind wanders to football and you suddenly hear her saying
"well, what do you think I should do?".........-100
You have fallen asleep.............................-200

IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
You talk.........................................-100
You don't talk...................................-150
You spend time with her..........................-200
You don't spend time with her....................-500
You are seen to be enjoying yourself.....GAME OVER - YOU LOSE

[Mrs Evans]

Originally Posted by wmtire

Garmin has come out with the wife voice option for your gps unit. Now, you will hear things like: "Fine! Turn whichever way you want! You never listen to me anyway!"

Now that would be awesome! Just to see the look on my husband's face the first time it said that! 😂

[Platokidd]

warning, you may has similar results the wife's voice

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4h0Qvc6_MfQ