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Old 02-05-2016, 04:30 PM   #991
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After a minor traffic accident with Justin Bieber, he offered me a VIP package for a concert of his.

"That's great. " I said, "we'll say no more about it if you send the tickets to my wife and mother-in-law. "

"Wow, that's great of you, big fans are they? "

"No, " I replied, " they absolutely hate you. "
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 02-06-2016, 10:06 AM   #992
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"Dang, Darren" my boss said to me today. "Look at your suit. Did you win the lottery?"

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Well, judging by your new threads I'd say you got three numbers".
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Old 02-07-2016, 08:31 AM   #993
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My snooty new girlfriend dumped me after one date just because the table I'd reserved was too close to the restrooms.

She wouldn't even stay to finish her Big Mac.
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Old 02-07-2016, 08:33 AM   #994
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I was drinking at a bar last night when a waitress screamed... "Does anyone know CPR?"

I shouted "Heck, I know the whole alphabet."

Everyone laughed... Well everyone except this one guy.
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Old 02-07-2016, 04:14 PM   #995
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I had a conversation with my missus earlier, well, I say "conversation."

I went to the bathroom for about 20 minutes halfway through, and when I came back, she was still talking.
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Old 02-07-2016, 05:18 PM   #996
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As my wife was leaving me I shouted, "Don't go baby, I know we can work it out?"

She shouted back, "Stop being so melodramatic, You know I'm only going to the store. We'll look at our son's maths homework when I get back."
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Old 02-07-2016, 08:04 PM   #997
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After insulting my mother-in-law, I looked at my wife and said, "I can't tell you how sorry I am."

"Oh really?" she wept.

"Yes," I replied, "If I did then I'd be lying."
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Old 02-15-2016, 03:23 PM   #998
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People always ask me why I’m single. I’m single by choice… unfortunately it’s not my choice.
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Old 02-15-2016, 03:24 PM   #999
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Just had a strange conversation with my wife about getting a home-improvement loan.



She offered me $5,000 to move out.
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Old 02-15-2016, 03:27 PM   #1000
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Husband: “Honey I think your mom tried to put the moves on me last night! ”

Wife: “That’s impossible, she’s out of town on vacation!”

Husband: “Oh ok, well maybe you should wear more makeup then!”
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