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Old 02-22-2016, 09:57 AM   #1011
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A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his latest crime. After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape. His escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news.

Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking little traveled routes, running across deserted fields, and taking every precaution he could think of.

Eventually he arrived at his house and he rang the bell. His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, "You good-for-nothing weasel! Where the h*ll have ya been? You escaped over six hours ago."
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Old 02-22-2016, 10:02 AM   #1012
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A friend asked a gentleman why he never married?

Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."

"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry."

"Yes, there was a girl... once. I guess she was the one perfect girl; the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything... I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."

"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.

"Unfortunately, she was looking for the perfect man."
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Old 02-22-2016, 10:05 AM   #1013
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A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife. The psychic went into a trance.

A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife.

"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Are you happy?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Happier than you were with me?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!"

"I'm not in Heaven, dear."
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Old 02-22-2016, 10:10 AM   #1014
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Phil had always been a prankster. As each of his three best friends were married, Phil made sure some type of practical joke was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he was dreading the payback he knew was coming.

Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one stood up during the pause to offer a reason 'why this couple should not be married'. His reception wasn't disrupted by streakers or smoke-bombs, and the car the couple was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order.

When the newlywed pair arrived at their hotel and entered the room, Phil even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Amazed that he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed.

Upon waking, the couple were starving so Phil called down to room service and asked, "I'd like to order breakfast for two."

At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said, "Make that five!!!"
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Old 02-22-2016, 04:52 PM   #1015
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A man got so drunk with whiskey, his breath had such a foul stench as if a whole herd of mammoths had spent the night in his mouth.

It felt good to be blind drunk, but the time came for him to go home and his wife was extremely quick-tempered. She always knew when he was drunk even if he was three blocks away from their house and would not let him in. This is why the drunken man decided to use his cunning to get in.

He rang the bell for a long time and an angry voice hissed from within, "Who is it?"

The man leaned on the door and said tenderly, "I bring roses for the most beautiful woman in the world."

Upon hearing that his wife was so moved, she decided to open the door. She opened it and took a close look at her husband. Imagine her surprise when she saw neither roses, nor hyacinths in his hands.

"Where are the roses for the most beautiful woman in the world, you weasel?" the woman roared.

The man slouched towards her and murmured, "And where is the most beautiful woman in the world?
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Old 02-24-2016, 11:48 AM   #1016
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Little Quirks About Life You Notice By The Time You Are Fifty...

..Most people deserve each other.

..All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken.

..The one who snores will fall asleep first.

..The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount of money spent on the wedding.

..The gifts you buy your spouse are never as good and appropriate as the gifts your neighbor buys their spouse.

..Never get overly excited about a man/woman by just the way they look from behind.

..If you help a relative in need, he/she will remember you the next time they are in need.

..The probability of meeting someone you know increases greatly when you are out with someone you do not want to be seen with.

..Toothaches always start on Friday night right before the weekend when the Dental Office will be closed.
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Old 02-24-2016, 11:50 AM   #1017
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During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled,

"How`d you do that?"

"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, "But then I`d have to kill you."

After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then... just tell my wife!"
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Old 02-24-2016, 11:55 AM   #1018
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A farmerís wife was terribly jealous. Evening after evening, she subjected her husband to a searching inspection. When she would find even a single hair on his coat, there would be a terrible scene!

One night, she found nothing."So" she screamed, "Now itís a bald-headed woman!"
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Old 02-24-2016, 12:10 PM   #1019
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Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public. So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, "What's the trouble?"

"I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. I'll have you know, my husband was in all morning! He never heard a thing!"

After apologizing, I got her parcel.

"Oh good!" she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages!"

"What is it?" I asked.

"My husband's new hearing aid."
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Old 02-24-2016, 12:13 PM   #1020
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A lady is having a bad day at the table in Las Vegas after her recent breakup.

Down to her last $10, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!

Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

"I don't know, she put everything on number 24 and when 36 came up, she screamed and then fainted."
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