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Old 02-24-2016, 12:18 PM   #1021
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Carolyn, a very rich blonde after her divorce, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sports car. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't go at all.

After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealer. They send out a technician to her.

The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?"

Full of anger, the blonde replies, "You nut, you idiot, how on earth you could ask such a question? I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears. I use 'D' during the day and 'N' at night."
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 02-24-2016, 12:19 PM   #1022
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A man exploring the ancient Pyramids of Egypt while on vacation stumbled across a secret room. He sneaked away from the tour group and explored the room.

He found a dusty lamp and picked it up. While he wiped the dust off the lamp a genie appeared in a puff of smoke.

"For freeing me from my prison, I will grant you a wish, what will it be sire?"

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job, a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."

"Allah Ka Zam!" said the genie. "You're a housewife!"
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 02-24-2016, 12:47 PM   #1023
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Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites her home for the first time.

Stacey excuses herself to fetch her Mom and introduce her new friend. As her friend is standing in the living room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on the mantle.

When Stacey returns with her mother, her friend is staring curiously into the vase. "Oh, those are my father's ashes," Stacey informs her new friend.

However, this startles her so that she drops the vase with the ashes and broken vase scattering all around.

After turning three shades of red she stammers out, "Oh, no... I'm, oh!... I, can't... didn't mean to.."

"It's OK dear," the mother says. "The vase was just from Wal- Mart."

The new friend catches her breath enough to say, "But... but your husband's ashes..."

"Well," the mother says, "looks like he'll just have to get off his lazy butt and get the ashtray from the kitchen from now on!"
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Old 02-24-2016, 04:09 PM   #1024
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Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public. So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, "What's the trouble?"

"I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. I'll have you know, my husband was in all morning! He never heard a thing!"

After apologizing, I got her parcel.

"Oh good!" she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages!"

"What is it?" I asked.

"My husband's new hearing aid."
Came across this one while waiting for wife to finish her hearing test!
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Old 02-25-2016, 02:46 PM   #1025
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Campers: What do you do with your sleeping bag in the morning? Wake her up and tell her to fix breakfast.
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Old 02-25-2016, 08:54 PM   #1026
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WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE CAUGHT ------------------------------- A personal guide to what men should say when caught looking at another woman by their wife or girlfriend.

- I can't believe that outfit she is wearing. (Said disdainfully)

- Look at that guy... over there... behind the woman.

- I think that's a man dressed as a woman. (Incredulous)

- Isn't that the actress from the movie Delicatessen? (Chances are she hasn't seen that movie- and neither have you, but you will get brownie points naming a foreign film, and it will be just obtuse enough to distract her

- I think that's the girl I knew from high school who eventually joined a convent (or was committed to an asylum) and turned out to be a real nut case

- Help me, I got something in my eye... can't see a thing!

- I was staring off into space because I was about to have an epiphany about the direction of my life and the nature of my love for you, but its gone now, thank you very much!

- Hey that's the loser I dumped in order to go out with you. Boy am I glad I ever got away from her. What a moron.

- I know you're probably thinking I was staring at a beautiful woman, but to me she is like one of those fancy bakery cakes that looks good, but then you have a bite and it is so sweet that it makes you sick. She makes me sick. (It helps if you convulse a little at the end here.. maybe it will camouflage your drool).

- I was just thinking how I felt sorry for her - since she can never hold a candle to you (this one might only get you punched, but its worth a try).

- Do you think she's prettier than me? (Give her a taste of her own medicine)
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Old 02-25-2016, 09:05 PM   #1027
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THE FOLLOWING TRAINING COURSES ARE NOW AVAILABLE FOR WOMEN


1. Silence, The Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
2. The Undiscovered Side Of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Combating The Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Don't Need New Shoes Every Day
4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
5. Bathroom Etiquette 1: Men Need Space In The Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette 2: His Razor Is His
7. Communication Skills 1: Tears - The Last Resort, Not The First
8. Communication Skills 2: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills 3: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging
10. Driving A Car Safely: A Skill You Can Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How To Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Introduction to Petrol
14. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space
15. Advanced Petrol: How To Take The Filler Cap Off
16. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
17. Cooking 1: Bran And Tofu Are Not For Human Consumption
18. Cooking 2: How Not To Inflict Your Diet On Other People
19. PMS: Your Problem...Not His
20. Classic Clothing: Wearing Clothes You Already Have
21. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
22. TV Remotes: For Men Only


THE FOLLOWING TRAINING COURSES ARE NOW AVAILABLE FOR MEN


1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away
7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Tree Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back
8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill
15. Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your '70s Polyester Shirts
16. Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond McDonald's
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 02-25-2016, 09:18 PM   #1028
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1. How Dogs and Men Are the Same
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both mark their territory.
Both are bad at asking you questions.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Neither does any dishes.
Both pass gas shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
Neither understands what you see in cats.


2. How Dogs Are Better Than Men
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
Dogs don't criticize your friends.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you--except Frisbee (and they never laugh at how you throw).
Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK. The *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
Dogs understand what no means.
Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
Dogs admit it when they're lost.
Dogs are color blind.
Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.


3. Where Dogs Fall Short
Men only have two feet that track in mud.
Men can buy you presents.
Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.
Men are a little bit more subtle.
Dogs have dog breath all the time.
Men can do math stuff.
Men don't shed as much, and if they do, they hide it.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 02-26-2016, 01:42 AM   #1029
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Originally Posted by wmtire View Post
WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE CAUGHT ------------------------------- A personal guide to what men should say when caught looking at another woman by their wife or girlfriend.

- I can't believe that outfit she is wearing. (Said disdainfully)

- Look at that guy... over there... behind the woman.

- I think that's a man dressed as a woman. (Incredulous)

- Isn't that the actress from the movie Delicatessen? (Chances are she hasn't seen that movie- and neither have you, but you will get brownie points naming a foreign film, and it will be just obtuse enough to distract her

- I think that's the girl I knew from high school who eventually joined a convent (or was committed to an asylum) and turned out to be a real nut case

- Help me, I got something in my eye... can't see a thing!

- I was staring off into space because I was about to have an epiphany about the direction of my life and the nature of my love for you, but its gone now, thank you very much!

- Hey that's the loser I dumped in order to go out with you. Boy am I glad I ever got away from her. What a moron.

- I know you're probably thinking I was staring at a beautiful woman, but to me she is like one of those fancy bakery cakes that looks good, but then you have a bite and it is so sweet that it makes you sick. She makes me sick. (It helps if you convulse a little at the end here.. maybe it will camouflage your drool).

- I was just thinking how I felt sorry for her - since she can never hold a candle to you (this one might only get you punched, but its worth a try).

- Do you think she's prettier than me? (Give her a taste of her own medicine)

So, exclaiming "wow! did you see her tots?!" isn't the right question?
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Old 02-26-2016, 07:17 PM   #1030
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A truly honest personal ad would say, ‘I want to date myself, only with more money.’

I have bad luck with women. A woman I was dating told me on the phone, “I have to go, there’s a telemarketer on the other line.”

It costs a lot of money to date. I took a girl out to dinner the other night. I said, “What’ll you have?” She said, “I guess I’ll have the steak and lobster.” I said “Guess again.”


I hate first dates. I made the mistake of telling my date a lie about myself, and she caught me. I didn’t think she’d actually demand to see the bat cave.

I’ve been on so many blind dates I should get a free dog.

My ambition is to be the last man on earth — so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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