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Old 03-04-2016, 06:39 PM   #1041
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My wife asked me if I was ignorant or apathetic.

I said, "I don't know and I don't care!"
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Old 03-07-2016, 12:47 PM   #1042
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Eddie came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front garden.

The door of Valerie's (his wife) car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the hall, Ed found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the rug was piled up against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the worktop, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

Eddie quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for Valerie. He was worried she might be ill, collapsed, that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and sink.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found Valerie still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

Eddie looked at Valerie, bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?'

Valerie again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me sarcastically what in the world I do all day?'

'Yes,' was Eddie's startled reply.

Valerie answered, 'Well, today, I didn't do it.'
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 03-07-2016, 01:50 PM   #1043
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Emma and Bryan were staying at a hotel in a small town in the Smoky Mountains for a few nights. In the bar, during the evening, they became friendly with the hotel's odd job man, Frank, and told him how much they had grown to love the area.

After several rounds of beer and a couple of mixed drinks, Frank turned to the couple and said, 'My neighbor has a nice little cottage for sale, on the edge of the town, in case you're interested.'

Emma and Bryan were excited and visited the cottage the next day and despite of its run-down appearance, they were smitten with the place and bought it straightaway, "as seen."

Two weeks later they moved in and naturally Frank came to see how they were settling in.

'You got a good buy,' Frank told them, 'but the cottage needs some work though. Roof leaks, plumbing's shot, and the whole place needs rewiring.'

Rather taken aback, Bryan scowled angrily and asked, 'Why didn't you tell us that before we bought the flippin' place?"

'We weren't neighbors then,' Frank smartly retorted.
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Old 03-07-2016, 02:23 PM   #1044
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Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly around the age of 20.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 03-13-2016, 02:30 PM   #1045
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I never married because there was no need. I have 3 pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night
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Old 03-13-2016, 02:38 PM   #1046
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If your ex-wife and her lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or a movie?
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Old 03-13-2016, 02:46 PM   #1047
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Top 3 situations that require witnesses: 1) Crimes 2) Accidents 3) Marriages Need I say more?
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Old 03-13-2016, 02:52 PM   #1048
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Only after getting married you realize that those husband-wife jokes were not just jokes.
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Old 03-13-2016, 02:52 PM   #1049
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Platokidd View Post
Top 3 situations that require witnesses: 1) Crimes 2) Accidents 3) Marriages Need I say more?
Let me guess, executions is number four?


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Old 03-13-2016, 03:00 PM   #1050
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Quote:
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Top 3 situations that require witnesses: 1) Crimes 2) Accidents 3) Marriages Need I say more?
I kinda thought this was redundant, since marriage is an accident that should be criminal.
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