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Old 03-13-2016, 03:02 PM   #1051
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If your ex-wife and her lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or a movie?
I'd probably just rest. Doing a rain dance for so long would have me tired.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 03-14-2016, 02:10 PM   #1052
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I'd have read a lot more books if it hadn't been for my wife.

I have a few beers, go to bed about 4 am, light up the Kindle and it's always "Turn that thing off, I've got work in a couple of hours!"
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 03-19-2016, 08:53 PM   #1053
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It's hard to understand all the problems some have obviously had. We've been married 44 years and we can only remember even disagreeing maybe 4 or 5 times. I've never once wished I wasn't married.
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Old 03-19-2016, 08:57 PM   #1054
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It's hard to understand all the problems some have obviously had. We've been married 44 years and we can only remember even disagreeing maybe 4 or 5 times. I've never once wished I wasn't married.

I do have to chuckle at this thread - it sure makes me appreciate my wife and marriage all the more!

But, I will still chuckle at some of the jokes.
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Old 03-19-2016, 09:06 PM   #1055
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I do have to chuckle at this thread - it sure makes me appreciate my wife and marriage all the more!

But, I will still chuckle at some of the jokes.
Not saying it's not funny, some of my divorced friends can Crack me up with funny stories you could write a country song about....

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Old 03-19-2016, 09:09 PM   #1056
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Hey ccsvolsfan, thanks for the setup to the following joke:

What do you get when you play a country song backwards?

— You get your house, your wife, your dog, and your truck back...
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Old 03-19-2016, 09:13 PM   #1057
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Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location.

This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.


... When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

... A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

... When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

... The batteries were given out free of charge.

... A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

... A will is a dead giveaway.

... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

... A boiled egg is hard to beat.

... When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

... Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

... Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

... A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

... When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

... The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

... He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

... When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

... Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.


And the cream of the twisted crop:
... Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end






Later RJD
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Old 03-19-2016, 09:21 PM   #1058
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The gynecologist listed his services as "spreader of old wives tales".

The psychologist and proctoligist opened an office together calling it "Heads or Tails" to save money on the sign.
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Old 03-19-2016, 10:00 PM   #1059
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aceinspp View Post
Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location.
I sent in ten entries to that contest last year, hoping that one of them would win. No pun intended.

In other news, someone broke into the police station and stole all the bathroom fixtures, leaving no clues. The cops have nothing to go on.

I've been reading a really good book on anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I couldn't remember how to throw a boomerang, but it eventually came back to me.

The guy who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
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Old 03-21-2016, 10:19 AM   #1060
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If your ex-wife and her lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or a movie?
As the Good Book says...... Choose Life.... So that means you go to Lunch...Before you go....throw them a very heavy rope and instruct them how to tie each end to each other for safety ....
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