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Old 04-05-2016, 03:59 PM   #1071
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My wife asked me, "What's the first thing you would do if you won the lottery?"

I replied, "Collect the winnings."
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 04-05-2016, 04:04 PM   #1072
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While visiting an old and spooky country house, my wife confided in the guide that she was terrified of ghosts and dreaded meeting one on the tour.

To reassure her, the guide informed her that in all the years he had worked at the house, he had never seen a single ghost.

"And how long have you worked here?" asked my wife.

"Three hundred years."
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 04-06-2016, 04:55 PM   #1073
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Steve and John go for a drink at their local bar one night when Steve notices John is looking rather depressed.

"What's up with you?" asked the Steve.

"I got some bad news from the doctor today," says John. "He says I'm ill and has given me some tablets that I will have to take every day for the rest of my life."

"That doesn't sound too bad." replies his Steve. "There are many people in worse situations."

"Yeah, but the doctor said I'll only need six tablets."
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Old 04-06-2016, 05:44 PM   #1074
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A man's doctor called him one day and told him, "The results of your tests are in. I have bad news and worse news."

The man says, "Well, give me the bad news."

The doc says, "The tests show you only have 24 hours to live."

The man says, "24 hours! What could possibly be worse than that?"

The doc says, "I tried to call you yesterday!"
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Old 04-07-2016, 04:19 PM   #1075
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Got home from the bar at 3 o'clock this morning and the missus was waiting at the door with a rolling pin.

I said "What are you doing baking at this hour?"
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Old 04-07-2016, 04:26 PM   #1076
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My wife recently found out she suffers from both diabetes and hayfever.

I have tried to cheer her up by sending gifts, you know; flowers, chocolates.
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Old 04-07-2016, 04:29 PM   #1077
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10 reasons why men are lazy:

1)
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 04-07-2016, 04:31 PM   #1078
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I broke up with my girlfriend by e-mail. I don't know what upset her most, the fact that I did it by email or the fact that I cc'd my new girlfriend who wanted proof.
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Old 04-07-2016, 04:39 PM   #1079
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wmtire you are one funny man!
Love your sense of humor.
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Old 04-07-2016, 05:04 PM   #1080
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I got hit by a bus the other day, when a doctor raced over to me and said "how many fingers am I holding up"? Despite being in immense pain I couldn't help but wonder how the heck did he become a doctor and still cant count..
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