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Old 04-08-2016, 03:13 PM   #1081
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The wife and I took our dog to the vet, who diagnosed an ear infection.

"I'll prescribe some cream that needs to be applied three times a day." he said. "That'll be $250, and you can pay the receptionist."

"Can you put one of those weird plastic lampshade things round his head?" I asked.

"Why would you want that?"

"For $250, I think the little mutt owes me a good laugh."
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 04-08-2016, 03:21 PM   #1082
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After years of unsuccessfully trying to get me to go on a diet, my wife finally put all the sweets out of my reach...

On the floor.
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Old 04-08-2016, 03:24 PM   #1083
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I went up to a homeless man as I came out of a bar last night and said, "What would you say if I asked you to come back to my house for a few drinks and a 3 course meal in front of the fireplace?"

"I'd say yes," he replied.

"Exactly," I said, shaking my head and walking away, "What the heck is wrong with women these days?"
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Old 04-08-2016, 03:28 PM   #1084
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It's proving very difficult to find a shop selling "Left Guard" for my other armpit...
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Old 04-08-2016, 03:30 PM   #1085
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I walked up to a female member of the staff in Wal-Mart today and said, "Do you know where the Weight Watchers meals are?"

"I'm afraid not," she replied, "It's my first day."

"Fair enough," I said, "Let me show you."
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Old 04-08-2016, 03:31 PM   #1086
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My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what's happening.
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Old 04-08-2016, 03:34 PM   #1087
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My wife came in and asked what I was doing.

I told her I was reading a new thesaurus I bought today.

She then asked if it was any good.

It's nothing to write house about.
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Old 04-08-2016, 03:41 PM   #1088
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Opened my big mouth, told WD most auto accidents happen within 25 miles of home, now she said we have to sell house and move. Love an oldie! LOL

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Old 04-08-2016, 05:00 PM   #1089
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Oh how times have changed.

I used to spend my nights out ogling women.

Now I spend my nights in googling them.
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Old 04-08-2016, 05:04 PM   #1090
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Yeah, old times were good; I used to have wet dreams and dry far_ _.

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