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Old 07-14-2015, 02:18 PM   #101
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A couple were pulling their RV down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
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Old 07-14-2015, 05:40 PM   #102
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I call my wife Karma

she's a , well you know.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 07-14-2015, 06:13 PM   #103
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My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.

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My wife's got an imaginary friend.

Me.

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My wife has a terrible memory - she never forgets anything.

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I have a special ringtone for my wife.

Silent.

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If I could change one thing about my wife it would be my wife.

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Instead of using sleeping pills just ask your wife how her day was.

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I don't understand my wife at times.
Usually Monday to Sunday.

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Women, they marry us for money,

and divorce us for money.

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My wife is like a Nitrogen and Silver mix

NAg, NAg, NAg

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Trouble in paradise?

Well it's not paradise then is it.

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My wife thinks I can read minds. Well, she hasn't said it out loud yet.

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I'm not saying my wife is a bad cook, But the garbage can has developed an ulcer.

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You know what you're saying might be wrong when the wife agrees with you.

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My beautiful wife says I'm dishonest.
Oh wait I see what she means.
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Old 07-14-2015, 07:41 PM   #104
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What's the difference between a hooker, a mistress and a wife?

The hooker says, "You ain't done yet?"
The mistress says, "You're done already?"
And the wife says, "Beige... I think we'll paint the ceiling beige."
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Old 07-15-2015, 02:58 PM   #105
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Finally! An explanation of why every room is beige.
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Old 07-15-2015, 03:02 PM   #106
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lswartz View Post
Finally! An explanation of why every room is beige.
That might explain the ceilings,but the walls?
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Old 07-15-2015, 03:34 PM   #107
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When the wife dragged me over to her mother's for dinner, I had to be on my best behavior.

"Wow!" I said, "You and your daughter could be sisters."

Her mom's eyes lit up. "Oh you're so charming! She's nearly thirty years younger than me!"

"I know," I said, "She's aged terribly."
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Old 07-15-2015, 05:32 PM   #108
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For years now, my wife has been seriously depressed about the way she looks and recently it's got even worse.
Now she's gone and locked herself in the bathroom with an open razor and I'm trying to talk her out of it, but she just won't listen.


I honestly think she suits the beard.
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Old 07-15-2015, 05:44 PM   #109
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I promised that I would buy my wife a Jaguar for her birthday this year. It should now be ready to give to her, I think not feeding it for 3 weeks should do the trick.
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Old 07-15-2015, 05:55 PM   #110
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A fellow was explaining to his co-worker how he got a black eye. "Last week my wife said, 'You forgot my birthday last year. This year when I look outside on my birthday, there had better be something in the driveway that can go from 0 to 200 in ten seconds.' Apparently she didn't mean a bathroom scale."
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