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Old 05-09-2016, 11:19 AM   #1121
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My girlfriend says she doesn't trust me.

I guess that's just one more thing she has in common with my wife.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 05-09-2016, 11:21 AM   #1122
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I told this woman that words can't describe how beautiful you are...

But numbers can.

2/10.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 05-09-2016, 11:24 AM   #1123
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A cop pulls over a car in the middle of the night:

Sir, do you realize how badly your car was swerving between lanes?

I've had 8 drinks, officer.

Sir, That's no excuse to let your wife drive...
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 05-09-2016, 11:32 AM   #1124
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The wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whisky and two loaves of bread.

"Are we expecting guests?" I asked.

"No," she replied.

"Then why did you buy so much bread?"
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Old 05-09-2016, 11:34 AM   #1125
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A man walks into a library and asks, "Do you have any books on poor eyesight?"

"No, we don't," replies the bartender.
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Old 05-09-2016, 01:27 PM   #1126
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My new girlfriend just found out that I'm 42.

She said, "You told me that you were 28 and a half!"

I said, "I am if you think about it."
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Old 05-09-2016, 01:38 PM   #1127
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My wife just dumped me because I'm "The king of stupid comparisons."

I feel like a bacon sandwich on chemotherapy.
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Old 05-09-2016, 01:38 PM   #1128
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My best friend came up to me yesterday and said, "This is a photo of me when I was younger."

I replied, "Every photo is of when you were younger."
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Old 05-09-2016, 02:49 PM   #1129
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The gold edition of the Apple Watch is priced at $10,000.

If I wanted to spend $10,000 on something that'll be obsolete in 3 years, I'd buy an engagement ring.
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Old 05-09-2016, 03:04 PM   #1130
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I'm going to start telling women that I'm available for a limited time only and hope that their shopping instinct kicks in.
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