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Old 05-09-2016, 03:40 PM   #1131
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A human fart can be louder than a trombone.

I discovered that at my daughter's school concert.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 05-09-2016, 03:45 PM   #1132
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In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.
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Old 05-09-2016, 03:48 PM   #1133
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We used to have 4 different remote controls in our house.

Then we got a Universal Remote.

Now we have 5 different remote controls.
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Old 05-09-2016, 03:51 PM   #1134
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I love Halloween.

The cobwebs in my house look like decorations.
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Old 05-09-2016, 05:00 PM   #1135
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My new girlfriend says she hates lies, but judging from her reaction to my answer about the size of her rear end in her new jeans, the truth doesn't sit too well with her either.
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Old 05-10-2016, 11:30 AM   #1136
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If you don't believe in human perseverance you clearly haven't seen a smoker trying to use a broken lighter.
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Old 05-10-2016, 11:32 AM   #1137
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I've opened a restaurant called "Peace and Quiet".

Kid's meals are $250.
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Old 05-10-2016, 11:44 AM   #1138
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This political correctness has gone mad. I can't even refer to my child as "my disabled son."

Apparently the correct term these days is "daughter."
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Old 05-10-2016, 11:44 AM   #1139
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Eating at McDonald's has plenty of health benefits.

For instance, it would prevent you from dying of old age.
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Old 05-19-2016, 10:39 AM   #1140
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When a Female says "What"... its not that she didn't hear you, shes giving you a chance to change what you just said.
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