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Old 07-24-2016, 08:56 PM   #1161
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The gift

Jeremy asks his wife Naomi what she wants for their 40th wedding anniversary.
"Would you like a new diamond bracelet?" he asks.
"Not really," says Naomi.
"Well how about a Lexus sports car?" says Jeremy.
"No," she replies.
"What about a holiday home in the south of France?" he suggests.
She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."
"Well what would you like for your anniversary?" Jeremy asks.
"I'd like a divorce, Jeremy," answers Naomi.
"Oh, I wasn't planning to spend that much!" says Jeremy.
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Old 07-24-2016, 09:09 PM   #1162
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Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
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Old 07-26-2016, 10:22 AM   #1163
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After a lengthy conference with the estranged husband, the lawyer reported to his client. "Mrs. Jones, I have succeeded in making a settlement with your husband that is eminently fair to both of you."

"Fair to both?!" exploded Mrs. Jones, "I could have done that myself. What do you think I hired a lawyer for?"

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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 07-28-2016, 04:26 PM   #1164
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My Mother-in-law said to me, "I'll dance on your grave."

I said, "I hope you do. I'm being buried at sea."

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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 07-29-2016, 10:11 AM   #1165
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People say "if you have a poor father, that's your fate. But if you have a poor father-in-law, you are just stupid"
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Old 07-29-2016, 10:39 AM   #1166
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Alimony: The price you pay to never having to live with that B!*ch again.
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Old 08-19-2016, 11:12 AM   #1167
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The last thing my father said to me before he kicked the bucket...

Hey, son. Check out how far I can kick this bucket.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 08-19-2016, 04:53 PM   #1168
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Burglars have become very clever. Just last night my wife turned to me in the middle of the night and said "Wake Up". There's somebody downstairs". So I got out of bed and quietly checked every room.

Suddenly I realized that I don't have a wife.
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Old 08-19-2016, 06:55 PM   #1169
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Seems like every man wants to marry a nymphomaniac. Problem is the nympho leaves pretty quickly, but the maniac stays forever!
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Old 08-19-2016, 06:59 PM   #1170
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Talking

Quote:
Originally Posted by wbdavey View Post
Seems like every man wants to marry a nymphomaniac. Problem is the nympho leaves pretty quickly, but the maniac stays forever!
You should have your name changed to "The Oracle".
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