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Old 08-19-2016, 09:48 PM   #1171
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 08-22-2016, 12:18 PM   #1172
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My wife said she is leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants...

Guess, I won't be needing those anymore.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 08-23-2016, 10:18 PM   #1173
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Husband: Dear do you know that exams are like women?
Wife: How funny?
Husband: Yes, they are tough to understand, complicated, lots of questions and the result is always doubtful..
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Old 08-23-2016, 10:28 PM   #1174
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One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. This goes on for a half an hour and the bartender gets worried. "What's the matter?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days." After thinking it over in a reassurring tone, the bartender asked. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?". "Yeah, except today is the last night."
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Old 08-26-2016, 04:49 AM   #1175
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When my wife left, I was sad and lonely.

So I got a dog, a new motorbike, a couple of girlfriends, and blew a grand on alcohol.

She's going to go nuts when she gets back from work.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 08-26-2016, 04:19 PM   #1176
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I was visiting the doctor about my stuttering problem.

"How's the stutter?", asks the doctor.

"It's g-getting better. My friend calls me D-Donkey," I replied.

"Any idea why?" The doctor asks.

"No, but he aw he aw he aw he always calls me that."
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Old 08-29-2016, 12:20 PM   #1177
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It was lucky that I went to see a fortune teller today.

She warned me that somebody was going to swindle me.

I was more than happy to pay for that kind of information.
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Old 08-29-2016, 12:23 PM   #1178
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My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communication issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we're not as connected as she'd like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and was tired after a long day of work.

So I leaned over and kissed her good night.
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Old 08-29-2016, 12:26 PM   #1179
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The waiter asked my wife and me, "Would you like to hear today's special?"

"Yes please," I smiled.

"Today is special," he replied, then walked off.
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Old 08-29-2016, 12:50 PM   #1180
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Guys, want to find out all of your flaws in under a minute?

Just ask your girlfriend if she's gained weight.
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