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Old 07-17-2015, 10:51 PM   #112
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Old 07-20-2015, 11:29 AM   #113
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My girlfriend called me sexist the other day.

What does she know, she's just a girl.

-----------------------------------

I love my wife, she always gives me 100% sound advice.

99% sound, 1% advice.

-----------------------------------

I walked into a car showroom last night.

I said to the salesman, "My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the window."

He said, "We don't have a Volkswagen Golf in the window."

I said, "You do now."
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Old 07-20-2015, 11:53 AM   #114
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Elderly Texting

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.


One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.

She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her:


"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."


Later RJD






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Old 07-22-2015, 07:01 PM   #115
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Something for all Car guys to note..

.

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.


His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally speaks.

"Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage
and you probably should just consider selling all your cars along with your gun collection.
Tom gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex wife!, she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE !!!!!!!"

Tom's reply:
"I wasn't..."
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Old 07-22-2015, 07:16 PM   #116
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PK - that's a good one.
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Old 07-24-2015, 09:51 AM   #117
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Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There's no need to remind him every six months about it.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 07-25-2015, 05:28 PM   #118
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"What do you love most about me?" asked my wife.

"Your personality," I told her.

"Aww, that's sweet," she replied, "well, what do you hate most about me?"

"Your other ten personalities."
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 07-25-2015, 05:47 PM   #119
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Take my wife with me every where I go so I don't have to kiss her goodbye.
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Old 07-28-2015, 02:26 AM   #120
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"It's not working!" I said to my wife. "Have you tried turning it off and on again?"

"Screw You, Dave!" she snapped. "I knew it was a mistake bringing you to the hospital to see my mom on her life support."
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