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Old 09-30-2016, 02:15 PM   #1211
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"Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she's doing."
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 09-30-2016, 02:16 PM   #1212
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I don't understand how God can have 10 commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 09-30-2016, 02:33 PM   #1213
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The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for 
our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modeled?”

My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said. “But I always thought …”

The photographer interrupted me: “I meant him.”
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Old 09-30-2016, 02:34 PM   #1214
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The party’s host paid me a great compliment. “You are a good-looking woman,” he said. “Honest—I’ve had only one beer.”

My glow was only slightly dimmed when my husband interjected, “Imagine how great she’ll look after two.”
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Old 09-30-2016, 02:35 PM   #1215
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I once gave my husband the 
silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”
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Old 09-30-2016, 02:46 PM   #1216
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My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my 
advantage. I take that as a compliment.
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Old 09-30-2016, 02:47 PM   #1217
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After 12 years in prison, a man 
finally breaks out. When he 
gets home, filthy and exhausted, 
his wife says, “Where have 
you been? You escaped eight hours ago!”
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Old 09-30-2016, 02:48 PM   #1218
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I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soulmate but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 09-30-2016, 02:48 PM   #1219
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A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday 
I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!”

The hypnotherapist shakes his head. “Not again …”
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Old 09-30-2016, 02:51 PM   #1220
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My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.

“If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?”

“A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.”
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