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Old 09-30-2016, 02:52 PM   #1221
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A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?”

The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.
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Old 09-30-2016, 02:54 PM   #1222
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My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I wrote the Facebook status “I’m getting a divorce,” he was the first one to click Like.
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Old 09-30-2016, 02:58 PM   #1223
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I’d noticed that my 60-year-old father seemed to be losing his hearing, so I mentioned it to my mother.

"Things haven’t changed that much," she said. "Only difference is, before, he didn’t listen. Now, he can’t."
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Old 09-30-2016, 03:03 PM   #1224
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Whenever I go to a bar, I always go right up to the most beautiful woman in the room and say: 'You've got something hanging out of your nose'.

Hey, since I've got no shot at her, I might as well humble her a little for the next guy.
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Old 09-30-2016, 03:04 PM   #1225
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A wife is scrambling eggs when her husband bursts into the kitchen.

"Careful," he cries. "Careful! You’re cooking too many at once. Too many! Scramble them! Now! We need more butter. They’re going to stick! Careful! Now scramble them again! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"

The wife turns and asks, "What is wrong with you?"

Her husband calmly replies, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving."
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Old 09-30-2016, 03:05 PM   #1226
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Iwannacamp View Post
My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I wrote the Facebook status Im getting a divorce, he was the first one to click Like.
That's not too far off from my divorce.
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Old 10-02-2016, 10:23 AM   #1227
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I first realized I was going bald when it took me longer to wash my face every morning....
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Old 10-02-2016, 10:31 AM   #1228
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I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday. I know it's not the greatest gift, but you should have seen her face light up, when she opened it.
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Old 10-03-2016, 09:45 AM   #1229
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I ran into an old school acquaintance the other day. I said "I've haven't seen you for ages".

He said "I know........it's been great!"
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Old 10-04-2016, 09:40 AM   #1230
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I decided to give my wife a surprise shoulder rub.

You should've seen her face when I popped up from the back seat.
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