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Old 10-18-2016, 08:44 AM   #1251
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Originally Posted by wmtire View Post
When I was younger, I was scared of the dark

Now I see my electric bills and am scared of the lights
"Honey... don't think of the electricity being turned off... think of how 'Romantic' it is to eat by candle light..."


"Yes Dear, it is nice to eat in such a low light.... go ahead and eat your steak. And don't worry about the horse dying in the barn yard last week.... I took care of him..."
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Old 10-19-2016, 06:19 AM   #1252
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I was out drinking with my buddies at a party last night, when I suddenly looked at my phone and noticed 18 missed calls from my wife.

Is she insecure or what?


That's an average of 6 calls a day.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 10-19-2016, 11:29 PM   #1253
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What's the best thing my wife makes for dinner?

Reservations
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 10-20-2016, 08:46 AM   #1254
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My friends called me stingy so I decided to buy them a beer.

Turns out they wanted one each.
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Old 10-21-2016, 06:19 AM   #1255
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I had to explain to my wife that I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet......


....... I get hungry
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Old 10-25-2016, 01:28 PM   #1256
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I happened to be in the neighborhood and went by the house I grew up in. I knocked on the door and asked if I could come inside to look around, but the owners said "No" and shut the door in my face.

My parents can be so rude.
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Old 10-26-2016, 02:49 AM   #1257
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"You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?" Always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me.
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Old 10-28-2016, 04:50 AM   #1258
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This morning, I put my shoes on the wrong feet.

I just wish I could remember whose feet they were.
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Old 10-29-2016, 10:54 AM   #1259
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A woman asking people questions for her company's marketing survey walked up to a man shopping at the mall and asked if he would be willing to participate.

He said, “Sure”.

She asked him to name at least one expensive item that he wished he had never bought.

The man answered, “My wedding ring.”
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Old 11-01-2016, 11:12 AM   #1260
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I thought I'd seen the last of the irritating trick or treater's after I poured a bucket of sewage over the last lot from my upstairs window, but no, two older kids just now knocked on the door and got the same treatment.

I'd love to see them explain the smell when they try to take those police costumes back to the fancy dress store.
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