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Old 08-12-2015, 06:43 PM   #131
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I left my wife because she was too pushy.

She was giving birth at the time.

-----------------------------------------

I told my neighbor, "Your dog is driving me crazy!"

"But we don't have a dog..." she replied.

I said, "See what I mean."

-----------------------------------------

I'm starting to get self-conscious about my body odor. On my last two dates, the woman has sprayed me with perfume before I kissed her goodnight.

Not sure of the brand but it had a distinct sharp, peppery smell.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 08-14-2015, 11:09 AM   #132
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My girlfriend called me apathetic and left
I was just about to run after her and ask 'a pathetic what..'
Then I realized I don't care.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 08-14-2015, 07:27 PM   #133
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Are you ignorant, or apathetic?

I don't know and I don't care!
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Old 08-16-2015, 08:36 PM   #134
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Joe, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you ever knew.. I know it's no excuse, but I don't get it at home.I can't live with the guilt any longer and I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."
Feeling outraged and betrayed Joe grabs a suitcase, storms into the
bedroom.
He throws his wife's clothes in it and screams at her to get out,their marriage is over.
As she leaves in tears, Joe gets a second text:


"I Really should use spell check!
That should have read "WIFI'."
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Old 08-17-2015, 09:02 AM   #135
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I had another argument with my wife about her weight.

Apparently it wasn't her blocking my phone signal, I had just run out of credit.
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Old 08-18-2015, 02:05 PM   #136
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I asked my wife 'if I was a vegetable, what vegetable would I be?'

She replied 'an onion'

I said 'aww that's sweet, because I have many layers?'

She replied 'No, because you're round, you stink, and you make me cry'.
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Old 08-18-2015, 03:59 PM   #137
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wmtire View Post
I asked my wife 'if I was a vegetable, what vegetable would I be?'

She replied 'an onion'

I said 'aww that's sweet, because I have many layers?'

She replied 'No, because you're round, you stink, and you make me cry'.
Maybe this isn't or shouldn't be called Humor - perhaps she is just telling the truth.
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Old 08-18-2015, 04:48 PM   #138
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Quote:
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Maybe this isn't or shouldn't be called Humor - perhaps she is just telling the truth.
The truth couldn't be printed in a family friendly forum.
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Old 08-18-2015, 06:29 PM   #139
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It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet.... nobody was married.

Here are the single people that come to mind. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard,
Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, the Darlin family, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara......

In fact, the only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
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Old 08-18-2015, 10:02 PM   #140
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It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet.... nobody was married.

Here are the single people that come to mind. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard,
Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, the Darlin family, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara......

In fact, the only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
Andy the sheriff had no wife wonder what happen to her..jus saying
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