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Old 08-18-2015, 10:27 PM   #141
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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
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Old 08-19-2015, 09:03 AM   #142
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Platokidd View Post
Andy the sheriff had no wife wonder what happen to her..jus saying
That got me to wondering if there ever was mention of Opie's mom. As much as I have watched the show, I couldn't remember hearing about her. A google search stated that in the basic pre-pilot for the show, which was actually on the Danny Thomas Show (aka Make Room for Daddy).... Andy did mention that Opie's mom died when he was real little.

A youtube search does show this episode (which I had never seen). What I found hilarious was the actress who played Aunt Bea was in the pre-pilot, but she was a different character.

Here it is, and you can skip to the 9:45 mark to hear this.

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Old 08-19-2015, 12:36 PM   #143
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My wife started cooking for our guests and told me to prepare the table.

So I went in and told them all about her bad cooking.
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Old 08-19-2015, 01:02 PM   #144
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We've just played the Christmas edition of the game, Clue.

My wife murdered Christmas dinner, in the kitchen, with the oven.

=====================================

I've decided I'm going to cook my wife something nice for dinner tonight.

Just to show her how it's done.

====================================

It's very rare that I hope my wife has farted.

But I'm kind of praying that smell coming from the kitchen isn't my dinner.

====================================

There's a lot to be said about my wife's cooking.

Once the vomiting has stopped.
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Old 08-19-2015, 01:05 PM   #145
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My wife was always saying how useless I am about the house. So, she bought me a simple cook book to encourage me to be more useful in the kitchen.

But, after looking all through it, I said, "I can't cook anything from this book."

She was a bit surprised and said, "Dave, all those are very basic recipes, simple stuff."

"That very well may be." I replied. "But every one starts with, "Take a clean dish..."
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Old 08-19-2015, 01:24 PM   #146
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"What do you want for Sunday lunch?" asked my wife earlier. "There's chicken, lamb or beef."

It was a tough choice.

But then everything she cooks is tough.
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Old 08-19-2015, 01:36 PM   #147
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A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
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Old 08-19-2015, 01:39 PM   #148
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A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
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Old 08-19-2015, 01:45 PM   #149
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Wife: "How would you describe me?"

Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."

Wife: "What does that mean?"

Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."

Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"

Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

**********************************************

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."
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Old 08-20-2015, 10:10 AM   #150
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I can usually judge how attractive a woman is by how many times my wife calls her a skank.
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