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Old 09-18-2015, 04:01 PM   #281
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Should have known our marriage wasn't going to last from the obvious signs during the wedding.

Instead of saying "I do", she said "yeah you'll do".
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Old 09-18-2015, 04:04 PM   #282
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I was best man at a wedding and I was asked to toast the happy couple.

I knew my flamethrower would come in handy sooner or later.
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Old 09-18-2015, 08:31 PM   #283
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There are 3 rings to matrimony:

The engagement ring
The wedding ring
The Suffering!
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Old 09-19-2015, 12:44 AM   #284
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Here's one my wife said to me a few times and still does to this day

She says "you and vegetables don't get along"
Sorry, wrong quote, it should be
"You and vegetables are not on a first name basis"
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Old 09-19-2015, 10:16 AM   #285
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The main quality I look for in women?

Probably desperation.
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Old 09-19-2015, 10:18 AM   #286
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Women say they like a man who's driven. So I show up at their house in a taxi.
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Old 09-19-2015, 10:20 AM   #287
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I'd never date a woman that's more muscular than I am. Unless, I suppose, she forced me to.
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Old 09-19-2015, 11:17 AM   #288
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My online date said she's very skinny.

Turns out she meant, more skin than a rhino.

---------------------------------------------

A girl suggested I set up a double date to make our first time out less awkward, I hope she likes my parents.

---------------------------------------------

A recently divorced friend of mine is looking for love again. Beer bellied, completely bald... I don't like her chances...

---------------------------------------------

My expectations for dating are a lot like limbo. Every time I lower the bar, I ask myself, "How low can you go?"

--------------------------------------------

It's so nice to see my ex-girlfriend is finally happy after finding the perfect guy for the fifth time in less than a year.

--------------------------------------------

Went on a date a couple of months ago. Her dad said he wanted her home by 10.15. I musn't forget, there's only a week to go.

--------------------------------------------

Romance is dead. All woman want from men now a days is security.

They ask for it the second I approach them.

--------------------------------------------

Single men in their 40s often have problems finding women at their level of maturity.

That's why they date someone half their age.

--------------------------------------------

I avoid internet dating sites because they match you up with people who share your interests.

I don't want to go out with a weirdo.

-------------------------------------------

So I told her I wouldn't go out with her if she was the last person left on earth and she cried.

But how could I? I wouldn't be here

-------------------------------------------

I've figured out that on a woman's dating profile, where she lists what she wants in a man, is actually all the things she will eventually resent you for...

--------------------------------------------

On an on line dating website I said that I enjoy cooking, my family and my dog.

Which would have sounded great, had I not forgotten the comma.

--------------------------------------------

I told this really good looking woman I was an architect even though I work at McDonald's

It's kind of true actually because now I have to design an intricate web of lies to back it up.
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Old 09-19-2015, 09:30 PM   #289
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On an on line dating website I said that I enjoy cooking, my family and my dog.

Which would have sounded great, had I not forgotten the comma.
I chuckled at that one.
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Old 09-19-2015, 09:53 PM   #290
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I'm on my third marriage now, but I guess I've always been a slow learner.
X2. And yes, the first two my dad (and the lawyers liked). Should have listened to mom.
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Old 09-20-2015, 03:46 PM   #291
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I was watching the New Avengers Assemble movie when my wife said, "What super power would you have if you could have any?"

"Invisibility." I replied.

"I'm intrigued." She went on, "What would you do if you were invisible?"

"Sit here and watch the TV in peace." I replied.
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Old 09-20-2015, 07:33 PM   #292
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Even after all these years, my wife can still surprise.

She's showed me she could still do things like when she was a cheerleader and even did the splits.

If she hasn't managed to reach her phone to call an ambulance by the morning, I'll be kind and give her a hand up.
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Old 09-22-2015, 01:03 AM   #293
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"I saw the tallest man I've ever seen in my life this morning." Said my wife.

"Oh yeah!" I replied, "How many feet we talking?"

She said, "Two, the same as me and you."
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Old 09-22-2015, 01:17 AM   #294
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My wife is a travel agent for guilt trips.

--------------------------------------

Don't be ashamed of who you are, that's your parents job.

---------------------------------------

My Mom is a terrible cook. In our house we pray after we eat.

---------------------------------------

My wife left me for being vain and self-centered. Oh well, her loss.

---------------------------------------

Why do parents always take their children to the supermarket to smack them?

----------------------------------------

If kidnappers ever get your wife, don't take her back until they pay the ransom.
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Old 09-24-2015, 09:53 PM   #295
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Arguing with your wife is like trying to blow out a light bulb..
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Old 09-24-2015, 09:55 PM   #296
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Sadly, my wife isn't what she once was...

My girlfriend.
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Old 09-24-2015, 10:09 PM   #297
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Women marry men, hoping they'll change.
Men marry women, hoping they won't.

Unfortunately, neither one gets what they hoped for.

Humorous, but TRUE.
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Old 09-27-2015, 07:28 AM   #298
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My wife has left me because she says I treat her like one of my pets...

She'll be back when she's hungry.
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Old 09-27-2015, 09:32 PM   #299
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I'm guilty:
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Old 09-28-2015, 02:38 AM   #300
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Me and my wife have conflicting opinions. Mine are right, hers are wrong.
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