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Old 08-20-2015, 10:17 AM   #151
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For those of you wondering what it's like to be married...

I just found out this morning I'm on day 3 of an argument I didn't know I was having.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 08-20-2015, 11:54 AM   #152
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I just can't seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently.

English and Klingon.
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Old 08-20-2015, 12:16 PM   #153
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My wife's father said to me, "Ten grand to never see my daughter again."

I said, "Okay, that sounds like a deal." I gave him the ten grand, packed my bags and left.
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Old 08-20-2015, 02:43 PM   #154
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I'm not saying my wife's ugly, but she's just bought a new pair of glasses and they make her look like Buddy Holly.

After the accident.
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Old 08-20-2015, 02:53 PM   #155
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I couldn't take my eyes off this girl in the bar the other night. She had the most fantastic body I'd ever seen. It was only when she turned around though, that I saw how ugly her face was. Feeling a bit let down I got up to go the toilet, and by the time I got back, she had left.

Later on my friend passed me a piece of paper and said, "Oh... I forgot. That girl at the bar asked me to give you this." On it she'd written, "I saw you looking at me earlier.. Why don't you get in touch sometime," followed by her phone number.

The most amazing thing was that she had signed the note, "from Horseface."

I couldn't help but admire how she'd come to terms with the way she looked in such a self-deprecating and humorous way, so I decided to text her and ask for a date.

"Hi Horseface," I wrote, "I'd love to meet up sometime. Next Tuesday OK?"

I'd just fired off the text when my buddy saw what I was doing and said, "You're not actually replying to that are you? Dang, Dave... I only wrote Horseface on the bottom so you'd know it was from that ugly one!"
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Old 08-20-2015, 03:18 PM   #156
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I don't think my mom approved of the woman I married. Her wedding gift to us was towels that are labeled "His" and "Its"
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Old 08-21-2015, 01:30 PM   #157
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After the leak of the hacked Ashley Madison adult dating website data I have discovered a long lost identical twin brother I didn't know I had. He even has the same name as me.
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Old 08-21-2015, 01:40 PM   #158
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My wife told me, "Smart men make great husbands!"

I said, "Smart men don't get married!"
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Old 08-21-2015, 01:41 PM   #159
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My wife asked me if I'd ever regretted saying something.

"I do," I replied.

"Well, what was it then?" she asked.
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Old 08-21-2015, 01:42 PM   #160
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I went to a wedding this weekend.

It was just some girl from the office that I don't even like that much, but I thought I'd show my face just to be sociable.

Plus her dad's paying for our honeymoon, which is nice of him.
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