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Old 08-24-2015, 09:04 AM   #171
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When he married his wife my brother told me it felt like he " was being hand-cuffed. "

Which is odd , cause when he attended her funeral he was handcuffed as well.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 08-24-2015, 09:07 AM   #172
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I went to my ex-wife's wedding to show there were no hard feelings.

I probably shouldn't have drank beforehand, and made sure I was invited.
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Old 08-24-2015, 09:12 AM   #173
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A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.

"How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"
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Old 08-24-2015, 09:17 AM   #174
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My wife says she's leaving me because I've spent so little money on our honeymoon.

I said, "zip the tent up quietly on your way out".
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Old 08-24-2015, 10:29 AM   #175
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Old 08-26-2015, 04:32 PM   #176
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After my wife died, I met a woman who made me really happy.

However, I could sense that nobody in the family liked her.

"Screw this," I said, "we're not staying at a funeral where we're not wanted."
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Old 08-27-2015, 02:31 PM   #177
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Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Sometimes I let her sleep.

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I live with fear every day, and sometimes she lets me go fishing.




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Old 08-27-2015, 05:25 PM   #178
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Don't hope for someone to sweep you off your feet because sweeping is what people do to clean up a mess.
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Old 08-28-2015, 12:22 AM   #179
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wmtire View Post
I can usually judge how attractive a woman is by how many times my wife calls her a skank.

Funny and true


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Old 08-28-2015, 12:36 AM   #180
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An old man and woman from Arkansas were traveling an Oklahoma highway and got pulled over. The old woman was hard of hearing.
The cop asked to see his license and registration....she said "what did he say?" He wants our license and registration.
The cop says.... I need your proof of insurance. She said "what did he say?" He wants our proof of insurance.
The cop said...I see here you are from Arkansas... She said what did he say? He says we are from Arkansas.
The cop said I used to date a girl from Arkansas and she was the nastiest girl I ever went out with. She said "what did he say?" He said "he thinks he knows you!"

It helps if you use the old person voices.


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