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Old 08-28-2015, 08:52 AM   #181
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A man was on the way to work one morning and got pulled over for speeding.
The officer tells him he was clocked doing 70 in a 55, but he is feeling generous. If the man can give him an excuse he has before hear before he will let him go.
The man thinks for a few seconds then tells him "3 years ago my now ex-wife ran off with a state trooper"
Cop: "Yeah, and?"
Man: "I thought you were bringing her back."


Cop: "Have a nice day. Drive safe."
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Old 08-28-2015, 01:22 PM   #182
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The day I proposed to my wife was the best day of my life.


Her mother died of a heart attack after hearing the news.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 08-28-2015, 01:31 PM   #183
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My girlfriend prepared a fried breakfast for me this morning.

I could tell she'd never made cornflakes before.
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Old 08-28-2015, 02:54 PM   #184
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I can't believe my in-laws took sides when our marriage ended.

I mean, they visit her nearly every day and haven't dropped in to see me once,

and my prison is on the way to her cemetery.
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Old 08-28-2015, 02:55 PM   #185
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My wife said last night, "Do you realize my mother is coming over for dinner in 5 minutes?"

I replied, "Yes I know, I'm getting ready now"

"That sounds like her car pulling up outside"

"No, that's my taxi, see you later"
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Old 08-28-2015, 02:56 PM   #186
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The police have just released my mother-in-law after questioning her about the murder of her husband.

They only spoke to her for 2 minutes before coming to the conclusion he committed suicide.
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Old 08-28-2015, 02:59 PM   #187
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I was about to go pick up my mother-in-law from the airport when my wife warned me that she thought her memory was going, which gave me a great idea.

When I got to the airport I said, "Thanks for coming. Have a nice flight!"
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Old 08-29-2015, 07:40 AM   #188
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Last week when I saw my mother-in-law I made a joke about her weight and it didn't go down well.

I was at a family party yesterday and so I went over to her to apologize.

She explained that she was very sensitive about her weight and thanked me for the apology.

I said I'm glad I got it off my chest as I felt there was an elephant in the room when I arrived.
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Old 08-29-2015, 12:31 PM   #189
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Fred and Rick were in a pub. Fred says to his mate, 'My mother-in-law is an angel.'
Rick replies, 'You're lucky. Mine is still alive.'
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Old 08-29-2015, 12:46 PM   #190
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Lawyer to his client: “Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?”
Son-in-law: “Take no chances ? order all three.”
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