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Old 08-29-2015, 12:48 PM   #191
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Definition of mixed emotions. Seeing your mother-in-law drive over a cliff in your new truck.
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Old 08-29-2015, 12:52 PM   #192
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I was walking with my wife and my mother-in-law through Central Park last week, when suddenly, three guys jumped out and started beating up my mother-in-law. My wife turned to me and asked, “Well, aren’t you going to help?” I replied, “Don’t you think the three of them will do the job?”
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Old 09-01-2015, 09:58 AM   #193
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My wife entered "The Biggest Loser" and was really disappointed when they announced the winner.


Me.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 09-02-2015, 03:33 PM   #194
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I walked into the house and said, "Hello gorgeous," gave her a big kiss and started rubbing my hands all over her body.

"Oh, for God's sake, give it a rest!" yelled my wife.

"Shut up," I replied, "you'll frighten the new puppy."
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 09-02-2015, 03:40 PM   #195
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I said to my girlfriend, "Please get me a newspaper."

"Don't be silly," she replied, "you can borrow my iPad."


That spider never knew what hit it.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 09-02-2015, 05:09 PM   #196
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Quote:
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I said to my girlfriend, "Please get me a newspaper."

"Don't be silly," she replied, "you can borrow my iPad."


That spider never knew what hit it.

Now that's just cold. You don't talk about iPad's like that.




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Old 09-03-2015, 10:00 AM   #197
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Garmin has come out with the wife voice option for your gps unit. Now, you will hear things like: "Fine! Turn whichever way you want! You never listen to me anyway!"
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Old 09-03-2015, 10:06 AM   #198
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For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules of dealing with women. At last this points guide will help you to understand just how it works.

AIM:

Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that's just the way the game's played.

Here's a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed ...............................+1
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....-1
You leave the toilet seat up....................-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty... 0
When the toilet paper has run out, you resort to Kleenex...-1
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings...+5
in the snow.....................................+8
but return with beer............................-5
and no liners..................................-25

You check out a suspicious noise at night.........0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something...+5
You smash it with a bat...................+10
It's her cat...................................-40

AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire evening........... 0
You stay by her side for a bit, then go and chat with a friend from the bar...-2
Called Tiffany......................-4
Who is a lap dancer................-10
With breast implants...............-18

HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday............................... 0
You buy a card and flowers.............................. 0
You take her out to dinner.............................. 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1
Ok, it is a sports bar................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.........................-3
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team...-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a friend....................................... 0
The friend is happily married..........................+1
The friend is single...................................-7
He drives a Ferrari.................................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED)........-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a see a film..........................+2
You take her to a see a film she likes................+4
You take her to a see a film you hate.................+6
You take her to a see a film you like.................-2
It's called Death Cop III.............................-3
Featuring Cyborgs that eat humans.....................-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly...................-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it...+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and
baggy shirts...-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."......-800

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding......................-10
You reply, "Where?".............................-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your butt".........-100
Any other response..............................-20

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression.............0
You listen, for over 30 minutes..........................+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience.... +50
You're mind wanders to football and you suddenly hear her saying
"well, what do you think I should do?".........-100
You have fallen asleep.............................-200

IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
You talk.........................................-100
You don't talk...................................-150
You spend time with her..........................-200
You don't spend time with her....................-500
You are seen to be enjoying yourself.....GAME OVER - YOU LOSE
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Old 09-03-2015, 10:56 AM   #199
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Garmin has come out with the wife voice option for your gps unit. Now, you will hear things like: "Fine! Turn whichever way you want! You never listen to me anyway!"
Now that would be awesome! Just to see the look on my husband's face the first time it said that! 😂
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Old 09-03-2015, 12:47 PM   #200
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warning, you may has similar results the wife's voice

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