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Old 10-10-2015, 06:59 PM   #401
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My evil witch of an ex-wife phoned me and said, "Guess what I'm doing."

I replied, "Making a coat out of dalmatians?"
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Old 10-10-2015, 07:05 PM   #402
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Me and my ex wife get along better now then we ever did when we were married.

Mainly because I don't speak to her.
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Old 10-10-2015, 07:09 PM   #403
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I hate people who take everything literally.

Like my ex-wife, who really did take everything. Literally.
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Old 10-10-2015, 07:17 PM   #404
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My ex wife is married to a monk now.

Well, he doesn't know it yet, but he's just took a vow of celibacy.
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Old 10-10-2015, 07:50 PM   #405
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And

16 - When everything seems to be coming your way, maybe you're in the wrong lane.
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Old 10-12-2015, 05:27 AM   #406
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Why are the spouses parents called inlaws?

Because outlaws are wanted!
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Old 10-12-2015, 05:28 AM   #407
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My wife said, "It's final, we're going to my mother's Halloween party whether you like it or not. So you better decide what you're going to be."

I said, "Extremely drunk."
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Old 10-12-2015, 05:34 AM   #408
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When ever I eat out at McDonald's, I like to have a Happy Meal...

So I leave the wife and kids at home.
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Old 10-12-2015, 05:38 AM   #409
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Man Flu - The Facts...

1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable scientific fact*.
*(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)

2. Man-Flu is not 'just a cold'. It is a condition so severe that the germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.

3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is medically recognized as a 'Mild Girly Sniffle' � which, if a man caught, he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half and compete in all other kinds of manly activities.

4. Men do not 'moan' when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntary groans of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain they are in.

5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of juice are met. Is that really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done it

6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots of other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast).

7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed and come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are the greatest heroes this country has ever known.

8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonizing symptoms of full blown Man-Flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head literally fell off.

9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than He-Man, The Thundercats and The A-Team combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting 'lady medicines' like Lemsip, so don't bother trying to force them on a victim of Man-Flu.

10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying around enjoying 'Diagnosis Murder' it is a commonly recognized medical fact that the exact pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke's voice has remarkable soothing powers.

Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women, all we ask is that each of you offers them a glass of juice, some kind words and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe, we'll beat this monstrous illness together.
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Old 10-12-2015, 05:45 AM   #410
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My daughter accused me of being a bad father. I don't know how she can say that...

...she's hardly ever met me.
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Old 10-12-2015, 05:49 AM   #411
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I read somewhere that 37 is too old to still be living with your parents.

It was on a note, in my bedroom.
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Old 10-12-2015, 05:52 AM   #412
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I always put my coat on to answer the door just in case it's any of my in-laws, then I can say; "Sorry, I was just on my way out" and barge past them.
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Old 10-12-2015, 05:56 AM   #413
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I hate it when couples have a little argument and the girlfriend changes her Facebook status to 'single'.

I mean, I have arguments with my parents all the time, you don't see me changing my status to 'orphan'.
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Old 10-12-2015, 05:57 AM   #414
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When I asked my Grandma what she wanted for Christmas, she replied, "The best present I could ask for is to be surrounded by my friends."

Well, we've just got back from the cemetery and she doesn't seem too happy.
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Old 10-12-2015, 06:08 AM   #415
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An alcoholic is sitting outside his home after just being divorced, and notices a crate of empty beer bottles. He takes out an empty bottle and smashes it into the wall screaming,"You are the reason I don't have a WIFE now".

He smashes the second bottle screaming,"You are the reason I don't have my children!"

He smashes the third bottle screaming,"You are the reason I don't have a job!".

Then he notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer and says, "Stand aside my friend. I know you weren't involved."
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Old 10-12-2015, 06:17 AM   #416
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I'm so glad that this is my last child support payment. Month after month, year after year, no more payments!

So I called my daughter, Jane, to come over to my house. When she got there, I said to her, "I want you to take this last check over to your mother's house and tell her that this is the last check she's ever going to get from me. And I want you to come back and tell me the expression that's on her face."

So Jane took the check over to her. I was really anxious to hear what she had to say. As Jane walked through the door, I said, "Now what did she have to say?"

"She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy, and to watch the expression on your face."
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Old 10-12-2015, 04:53 PM   #417
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This tramp and his girlfriend were arguing in the park. All of a sudden he poured his meths over a bench and set fire to it.

"What are you doing? " I yelled at him.

"She can leave me if she want's, " he said, "but I'll be damned if she's getting the house. "
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Old 10-12-2015, 07:52 PM   #418
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I don't like women that wear glasses.

It means they can see me.
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Old 10-12-2015, 09:40 PM   #419
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My girlfriend told me last night that she hates me when I'm drunk.

I said, "Good, because I hate you when I'm not."
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Old 10-12-2015, 09:46 PM   #420
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I was in a restaurant on a blind date that was not the best looking person by far, so I was hoping to escape.

Suddenly, a man at a nearby table started clutching his chest and screaming in agony.

So I put down my menu, called the waiter over, and said, "I'll have what he's having."
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