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Old 09-16-2015, 10:47 AM   #251
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My ex-wife is spreading false rumors about me being schizophrenic.

Well, three can play at that game.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 09-16-2015, 04:38 PM   #252
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The morning of my wife's birthday I handed her first gift to her. As she unwrapped it she said, "It's a wand! What do I want with a wand?"

"It's not just any wand," I replied, "It's a magic wand!"

"Really?" she said. "What does it do?"

"Why don't you give it shake," I told her, "and don't forget to say the magic words."

"Okay," she said shaking the wand. "Abracadabra!"

"Oh My!" I said, peering down the side of the bed. "You're not going to believe this."

"What is it?" she asked all excitedly.

I said, "You've just made all your other presents disappear!"
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Old 09-16-2015, 05:19 PM   #253
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The wife decided to ditch me tonight.

It's nothing about getting divorced.

I let her drive home and she veered off the road and crashed the car.
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Old 09-16-2015, 05:26 PM   #254
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Did you realize that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes" and a man's "I'll be home in five minutes" are exactly the same?
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Old 09-16-2015, 06:56 PM   #255
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wmtire View Post
Did you realize that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes" and a man's "I'll be home in five minutes" are exactly the same?
Now that's good and true
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Old 09-17-2015, 09:15 AM   #256
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Relationships are a lot like algebra.

You look at your X and think Y?
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Old 09-17-2015, 04:07 PM   #257
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My father was a man of very few words.In fact the only thing I ever really remember him telling me was, 'Son,always try your best.'

I still have that postcard to this day.
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Old 09-17-2015, 05:40 PM   #258
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Something tells me I should stop calling the wife something.




(you may have to read that one twice)
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Old 09-17-2015, 05:59 PM   #259
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My wife told me she's loving me because I don't listen to her.
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Old 09-17-2015, 06:07 PM   #260
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The wife had plastic surgery today....... I cut her credit card up.
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