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10-30-2015, 10:35 PM
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#541
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Site Team
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: top side land of Lincoln
Posts: 7,509
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They say marriage is a contract. No it's not. Contracts come with warranties. When something goes wrong, you can take it back to the manufacturer. If your husband starts acting up, you can't take him back to his mama's house. "I don't know... he just stopped working. He's just laying around making a funny noise."
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2014 LaCrosse 323RST-TE-C
2009 Chevy 2500HD Z71
Seasonal
Zelda the campin dog
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10-30-2015, 10:36 PM
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#542
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Site Team
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: top side land of Lincoln
Posts: 7,509
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A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days. (Tim Allen)
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2014 LaCrosse 323RST-TE-C
2009 Chevy 2500HD Z71
Seasonal
Zelda the campin dog
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10-30-2015, 10:36 PM
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#543
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Site Team
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: top side land of Lincoln
Posts: 7,509
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My ex-wife and I have our alimony set up on the easy payment plan. I make the payment and she takes it easy.
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2014 LaCrosse 323RST-TE-C
2009 Chevy 2500HD Z71
Seasonal
Zelda the campin dog
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10-30-2015, 10:40 PM
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#544
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Site Team
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: top side land of Lincoln
Posts: 7,509
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Marriage is not a word, it is a sentence - a life sentence!
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Two guys were staring into their drinks when one said, "Hey, Harry, have you ever suspected your wife of leading a double life?"
"Yeah, all the time," Harry said. "Hers and mine."
A man complained to his therapist about having two unhappy marriages. "Tell me about them," the therapist said.
"Well," the man said, "my first wife divorced me and my second wife won't."
__________________
2014 LaCrosse 323RST-TE-C
2009 Chevy 2500HD Z71
Seasonal
Zelda the campin dog
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10-31-2015, 07:18 AM
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#545
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,924
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My wife's locked herself in the kitchen in a rage, after a massive argument over how miserable and tight I've become since we've been married.
She's in there now, ripping all the plates in half.
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 2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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10-31-2015, 07:19 AM
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#546
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,924
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Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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10-31-2015, 07:20 AM
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#547
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,924
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A man complains to his wife saying, "We're so poor we can't even afford punchlines to our jokes!"
And she says
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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10-31-2015, 07:21 AM
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#548
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,924
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My wife asked, "What would you do if you had Warren Buffett's money?"
I said, "Probably spend it before he noticed it was missing."
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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10-31-2015, 07:23 AM
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#549
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,924
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My wife says I only married her because her dad left her loads of money in his will.
She's wrong. I don't care where she got all her money from.
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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10-31-2015, 07:30 AM
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#550
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,924
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Frank and Mary had decided to take the vacation of a lifetime to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. They were on a flight over the Pacific bound for Australia when a severe storm broke out. Three hundred passengers, sat gripped with fear, as the plane bucketed one way and then the other in fearsome turbulence.
Suddenly, over the public system, the captain says, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have been blown off course and our engines are failing. I see an uncharted island and we should be able to land on the beach. However, I should warn you that it is remote and our radio is out, so the odds are we will never be found."
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, they landed safely. An hour later Frank says to Mary, "Mary, did we ever pay that last installment on our car?"
"No darling," she answered
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Frank then asked, "Mary, did you ever send off that tax return?"
"Oh no, I forgot" said Mary.
"And one last thing," Frank said, "did you remember to pay on the credit card?"
"Dang it...No, I was going to do it when we got back."
Frank grabbed her and gave her the biggest kiss in forty years. Mary pulled away and gasped, "What's that for?"
"One things for sure," Frank said, "they'll find us!"
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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10-31-2015, 08:17 AM
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#551
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,924
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I recently made two grand profit on a car I sold.
My wife says, "Why don't we spend it all on one luxurious night?"
I said, "Honey, I work in finance, I warn my clients about this sort of thing all the time."
She said, "What? Enjoying their money?"
I replied, "No, listening to their wives!"
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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10-31-2015, 08:43 AM
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#552
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,924
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I've decided to financially support my teenage daughter for the rest of her life.
It's cheaper than sending her to college.
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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10-31-2015, 08:46 AM
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#553
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,924
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I said to my wife, "By the end of the week, we'll finally be in the black."
"Why, have we got enough money to pay off the bank overdraft?" she asked.
"No," I said, "we don't have enough money to pay the electric bill."
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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10-31-2015, 10:17 AM
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#554
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,924
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My wife went ballistic at me for blowing $20,000 at the casino last night. It's not like it's her money!
...Anymore.
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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10-31-2015, 10:57 AM
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#555
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Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 10,907
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Why do most husbands die before their wives? Because they WANT TO!
__________________
1988 Coleman Sequoia - popup (1987-2009) - outlasted 3 Dodge Grand Caravans!
2012 Roo19 - hybrid (2012-2015)
2016 Mini Lite 2503S - tt (2015 - ???)
2011 Traverse LT, 3.6L, FWD
2009 Silverado 1500 Ext Cab, 5.3L, 4x4, 3.73
2016 Silverado 2500HD Dbl Cab, 6.0L 4x4, 4.10
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10-31-2015, 11:28 AM
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#556
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,924
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I wouldn't say I'm smug, but every year on my birthday I call my mother to congratulate her.
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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10-31-2015, 11:30 AM
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#557
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,924
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Apparently, baby powder + water does not equal baby.
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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10-31-2015, 12:08 PM
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#558
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Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 10,907
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If cod liver oil is made from cod, what's baby oil made from???? 
__________________
1988 Coleman Sequoia - popup (1987-2009) - outlasted 3 Dodge Grand Caravans!
2012 Roo19 - hybrid (2012-2015)
2016 Mini Lite 2503S - tt (2015 - ???)
2011 Traverse LT, 3.6L, FWD
2009 Silverado 1500 Ext Cab, 5.3L, 4x4, 3.73
2016 Silverado 2500HD Dbl Cab, 6.0L 4x4, 4.10
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11-02-2015, 09:37 AM
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#559
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,924
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My wife said, "Are you even bloody listening to me?"
I said, "Of course, dear".
She said, "What did I just say then?"
I said, "You asked if I was listening".
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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11-02-2015, 09:38 AM
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#560
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,924
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Ever watch a movie & halfway through you realize it sucks but you stay with it since you've already put time into it?
Welcome to marriage.
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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