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Old 09-20-2015, 04:46 PM   #291
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I was watching the New Avengers Assemble movie when my wife said, "What super power would you have if you could have any?"

"Invisibility." I replied.

"I'm intrigued." She went on, "What would you do if you were invisible?"

"Sit here and watch the TV in peace." I replied.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 09-20-2015, 08:33 PM   #292
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Even after all these years, my wife can still surprise.

She's showed me she could still do things like when she was a cheerleader and even did the splits.

If she hasn't managed to reach her phone to call an ambulance by the morning, I'll be kind and give her a hand up.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 09-22-2015, 02:03 AM   #293
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"I saw the tallest man I've ever seen in my life this morning." Said my wife.

"Oh yeah!" I replied, "How many feet we talking?"

She said, "Two, the same as me and you."
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Old 09-22-2015, 02:17 AM   #294
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My wife is a travel agent for guilt trips.

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Don't be ashamed of who you are, that's your parents job.

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My Mom is a terrible cook. In our house we pray after we eat.

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My wife left me for being vain and self-centered. Oh well, her loss.

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Why do parents always take their children to the supermarket to smack them?

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If kidnappers ever get your wife, don't take her back until they pay the ransom.
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Old 09-24-2015, 10:53 PM   #295
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Arguing with your wife is like trying to blow out a light bulb..
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Old 09-24-2015, 10:55 PM   #296
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Sadly, my wife isn't what she once was...

My girlfriend.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 09-24-2015, 11:09 PM   #297
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Women marry men, hoping they'll change.
Men marry women, hoping they won't.

Unfortunately, neither one gets what they hoped for.

Humorous, but TRUE.
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Old 09-27-2015, 08:28 AM   #298
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My wife has left me because she says I treat her like one of my pets...

She'll be back when she's hungry.
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Old 09-27-2015, 10:32 PM   #299
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I'm guilty:
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Old 09-28-2015, 03:38 AM   #300
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Me and my wife have conflicting opinions. Mine are right, hers are wrong.
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