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Old 09-28-2015, 02:04 PM   #301
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Everyone wonders why I hate my mother-in-law.

She's actually quite a nice person, but she brought my wife into the world.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 09-28-2015, 02:28 PM   #302
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I was talking to the wife the other day. She was as surprised as I was.

----------------------------------------------

Last night I saw a film called Unhappy Marriages.

It's ex-rated.

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The "It's Complicated" status on Facebook is referring to women in general, right?

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The wizard of oz is the ultimate chick flick, two women trying to kill each other over shoes!
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Old 09-28-2015, 02:51 PM   #303
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I think the hardest part of having a long distance relationship was persuading my girlfriend to move away.
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Old 09-29-2015, 08:35 PM   #304
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My wife is like Volkswagen. She emits gases then denies it.
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Old 09-29-2015, 10:27 PM   #305
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wmtire View Post
My wife is like Volkswagen. She emits gases then denies it.
Mine doesn't deny it.

I don't know what else to say.
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Old 09-30-2015, 09:12 AM   #306
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I can honestly say that I'm a happily married man.

It's just the wife who isn't.
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Old 09-30-2015, 09:12 AM   #307
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Study: Monkeys enjoy movies and can follow plot lines.

So that's monkeys: one, my wife: zero.
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Old 09-30-2015, 09:18 AM   #308
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Only the married squirrels hurl themselves under car tires.
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Old 09-30-2015, 09:38 AM   #309
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This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.

Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself."

So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.

The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?"

"Huh? I thought you were out of town."
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Old 09-30-2015, 10:06 AM   #310
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On the day of my wedding, I knew I was ready. I stood there, at the end of the aisle, gazing into her dew-filled, sapphire eyes, longing to say my vows and spend an eternity with the woman who had so easily stolen my heart.

I opened my mouth and the words escaped me, almost by magic: "Well, to be honest. She's not bad. I'd give her about a 6 out of 10. Her laugh annoys me and she's a bit frumpy. I reckon I could do much better."

And there it was again, my bad altar ego.
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