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Old 09-30-2015, 10:16 AM   #311
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"Do you remember when we met all those years ago?" I asked my wife at breakfast this morning.

"It may have been 20 years," she said, " but of course I do!"

"And our wedding day?"

"18 years ago but I remember every single minute."

"Then why couldn't you remember to buy the bottle of ketchup I asked for yesterday?"
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 09-30-2015, 10:18 AM   #312
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As I was walking home, this guy stepped out of an alley, pulled a knife on me and said, "Give me all your money or I'll stab you through the heart!"

"No, please! I'm married with children."

He thrust his blade into me and took my wallet. As I fell, bleeding, to the ground, he walked away and then turned to me in disgust. "There's no money in here!"

"I did try to tell you, pal."
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 09-30-2015, 10:51 AM   #313
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"I'm afraid I have some bad news, Sir." the policeman said. "Your wife was in a serious car accident earlier tonight."

"Oh my God!" I said. "Is she dead?"

"Luckily she escaped with just some minor injuries Sir, and she should be fine."

"You're right," I said, "that's terrible news."
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 09-30-2015, 11:10 AM   #314
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"I'm afraid I have some bad news, Sir." the policeman said. "Your wife was in a serious car accident earlier tonight."

"Oh my God!" I said. "Is she dead?"

"Luckily she escaped with just some minor injuries Sir, and she should be fine."

"You're right," I said, "that's terrible news."
Bobby, you are hopeless.
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Old 09-30-2015, 08:55 PM   #315
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A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea, let's pretend we're married." "Why not," giggles the woman. "Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."
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Old 09-30-2015, 08:56 PM   #316
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A man goes to see a wizard and says "can you lift a curse that was put on me years ago ?" "Maybe," says the wizard, "if you can remember the exact words of the curse ?" The man replies without hesitation "I pronounce you man and wife ..."
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Old 09-30-2015, 09:00 PM   #317
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A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea, let's pretend we're married." "Why not," giggles the woman. "Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."
This guy is a real jerk.
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Old 09-30-2015, 09:06 PM   #318
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This guy is a real jerk.
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The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”
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Old 09-30-2015, 09:15 PM   #319
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This guy is a real jerk.
Hold off on the compliments, as I can top that and maybe take the title with this comeback line that usually always ends the argument with the significant other (and maybe the whole marriage).

When you have all you can take, then you are welcome to use this one as a closer:

"You're fat. I'm not going to sugar coat it or you'll eat that too"
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 09-30-2015, 09:19 PM   #320
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Hold off on the compliments, as I can top that and maybe take the title with this comeback line that usually always ends the argument with the significant other (and maybe the whole marriage).

When you have all you can take, then you are welcome to use this one as a closer:

"You're fat. I'm not going to sugar coat it or you'll eat that too"

Mmmm. That would definitely get you something. Around here....death.


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