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Old 11-09-2015, 09:39 AM   #621
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My wife claims that I treat one of our kids unfairly.

"Which one?" I replied, "James Junior, or the girl one?"
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Old 11-09-2015, 09:40 AM   #622
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Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.
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Old 11-09-2015, 01:39 PM   #623
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Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
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Old 11-09-2015, 01:44 PM   #624
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Marriage is like a violin. After the music is over, you still have the strings
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Old 11-09-2015, 01:49 PM   #625
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If my wife ran the world ,there wouldn’t be any wars… But there wouldn’t be any peace either!
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Old 11-09-2015, 04:53 PM   #626
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wmtire View Post
I feel I can go lower.
And we know you will.
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Old 11-09-2015, 05:23 PM   #627
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The inherent downside in a life of pursuing women is the possibility of inadvertently catching one -

Marriage is an investment that pays dividends if you pay interest.
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Old 11-09-2015, 05:50 PM   #628
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Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

My ex wrote to me: Can you delete my number? I responded: Who is this?

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing

Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in? The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!

My wife and I had a two-hour fight about whether or not we were fighting.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

My son asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don't like to interrupt her.
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Old 11-09-2015, 08:37 PM   #629
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Q: How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, the sockets go with the house.

Q: If marriage is grand what is divorce? A: Ten grand!


Wife: Honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear!' Husband: Kitchen, living room, laundry, dining room..

Husband: You know it's a proven fact that women talk twice as much as men! Wife: That's because we have to repeat everything we tell our husbands! Husband: What?
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Old 11-09-2015, 08:48 PM   #630
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With the divorce rate so high in America, a new organization has been formed called, "Marriage Anonymous."
Whenever a man feels like getting married, they send over a woman wearing a torn housecoat, with curlers in her hair and cream on her face, and she tries to nag him out of it.
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Old 11-10-2015, 09:33 AM   #631
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My ex-wife and I have only one thing in common.

We both want my money.
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Old 11-10-2015, 09:34 AM   #632
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Last night, my wife told me I don't take criticism very well.

Ex-wife now.
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Old 11-10-2015, 09:35 AM   #633
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I can't wait to see my wife's face when she comes home to her surprise going away party.
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Old 11-10-2015, 09:41 AM   #634
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When I was a kid, my parents got divorced and held a custody hearing over me.

Nobody showed up.
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Old 11-10-2015, 09:43 AM   #635
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You know your marriage is in trouble when the marriage counselor bursts out crying and begs you to get divorced.
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Old 11-10-2015, 09:46 AM   #636
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I had a fairy tale marriage.

My wife was an ogre with ugly sisters, but now I'm in a land far, far away.
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Old 11-10-2015, 09:47 AM   #637
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Even though we're not together any longer, My ex wife loves my company.

She took it off me when we divorced.
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Old 11-10-2015, 09:49 AM   #638
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My wife says to me, "All good things must come to an end."

I replied, "When did it start?"
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Old 11-10-2015, 09:50 AM   #639
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My ex wife told me the last thing she wanted to do was hurt me.


Obviously it was still on her list.
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Old 11-10-2015, 10:05 AM   #640
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My wife said she's leaving me because of my excessive drinking.

Ironically, that's what made me propose to her in the first place.
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