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Old 10-01-2015, 11:21 AM   #331
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A buddy came over and after a few beers we started discussing the wars.

"Well the first world war was started by one person being shot," I said.

"The second world war was started by a country being invaded," he replied.

"Well I bet you a tenner the third world war is started by something really simple."

"Don't be silly," he replied, "you're on!"

So turning to the wife I said, "Darling, I think you've put a bit of weight on lately."
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 10-01-2015, 11:26 AM   #332
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My wife snuggled up to me on the sofa this evening and asked

"If you could change anything about me, what would it be?"

"Well if you really want to know," I replied "I'd love you to be twenty-one again."

"Really? Why?" she enquired. "Is it because my skin would have been a bit tighter at twenty-one? And my rear a little smaller, perhaps?"

"Not at all." I replied.

"It's because I didn't know you back then."
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Old 10-01-2015, 01:26 PM   #333
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I met my friend's new girlfriend last night.

"What do you think?" he said, "I found her on the internet."

"Are you sure that's not illegal?" I frowned.

"You what?" he said.

"Well eBay aren't supposed to sell livestock."
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Old 10-01-2015, 01:37 PM   #334
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Old 10-01-2015, 03:30 PM   #335
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Originally Posted by wmtire View Post
I met my friend's new girlfriend last night.

"What do you think?" he said, "I found her on the internet."

"Are you sure that's not illegal?" I frowned.

"You what?" he said.

"Well eBay aren't supposed to sell livestock."
This one is a new low - even for you
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Old 10-01-2015, 03:35 PM   #336
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This one is a new low - even for you
I feel I can go lower.
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Old 10-01-2015, 03:36 PM   #337
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If being a professional clown has taught me anything, it's that I cannot date women who wear more makeup than I do.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 10-01-2015, 03:37 PM   #338
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I feel I can go lower.
I know you can,but Please don't.
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Old 10-01-2015, 03:40 PM   #339
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I was chatting to a gorgeous girl in the bar when she leaned over and kissed me.

"What did I do to deserve that?" I asked.

"I'm trying to get rid of you,"' she replied.

"You need to come up with a better plan then," I laughed, "I don't see how kissing me is a good way of getting rid of me."

"It is when my psycho ex-boyfriend is watching," she smiled.
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Old 10-01-2015, 03:42 PM   #340
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I saw my ex wife out riding her horse along the road today. It's been nearly two years since our messy divorce so I thought it was probably about time to put all that in the past and politely say hello to her.

No sooner than I'd honked the truck's horn and waved to her, she was galloping off and swearing at me at the top of her voice.

Oh well, I suppose she's just not ready to put the past behind her yet.
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