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Old 10-01-2015, 03:46 PM   #341
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I walked into the bar last night and my friend, Mark, was crying his eyes out in the corner.

I said, "What's up Mark, has Cheryl dumped you?"

He said, "Actually it's Carol."

I said, "What's up Carol, has Cheryl dumped you?"

Apparently I'm not a very good friend.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 10-01-2015, 03:48 PM   #342
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"Hello, this is 9-1-1, what's your emergency?"

"Hello."

"Hello sir, how can we help?"

"I'd just like to chat."

"A chat, sir? What's the problem?"

"My ex is walking towards me and I need to pretend I'm on the phone."
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 10-01-2015, 03:56 PM   #343
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My ex-wife is behind with the rent and is facing eviction.

She asked me to help her out, so I did

But she's such an ingrate, I wish I hadn't bothered hiring that moving van for her now.
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Old 10-01-2015, 04:04 PM   #344
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Sometimes I'll have to say 'I'm sorry' to people I never even met before.

This really annoys my ex, especially when she's on a date with them.
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Old 10-01-2015, 05:22 PM   #345
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Just before my son and his new bride set off on the world cruise honeymoon that I had paid for, he asked me if I had any advice for the "newlyweds."

" Yeah." I said." Don't have kids."
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Old 10-01-2015, 06:38 PM   #346
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My wife stood before me with some items in front of her. Without a word, she emptied a large jar of mayonnaise and proceeded to fill the empty jar with rocks right to the top, rocks about 2" diameter, then asked me if the jar was full. I agreed that it was.

She then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them in to the jar. She shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. My wife then asked me if the jar was now full. I agreed that, yes, it was.

She then poured a bag of sand into the jar with the result that the sand filled up the remaining spaces between the rocks and pebbles.

"Now," said my wife, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your wife who loves you, your health, your children - anything that is so important to you that if it were lost, you would be nearly destroyed. The pebbles are the other things in life that matter, but on a smaller scale. The pebbles represent things like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. Your X-box, football, golf, television. If you put the sand or the pebbles first, there is no room for the rocks. The same goes for your life.

If you spend all your energy and time on the small stuff, material things, you will never have room for the things that are truly most important."

I was dumbfounded.
Where was she going to get more mayonnaise from for my sandwich?


You should've poured some beer into the jar, which of course would soak into the sand, proving that no matter how full your life is with other things, there's always room for beer !


edit: oops, looks like someone beat me to this ... about 30 pages back
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Old 10-01-2015, 07:03 PM   #347
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I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five ain't bad.

------------------------------------------------

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

-----------------------------------------------

I'd like to have a child one day.

Two days, tops.

-----------------------------------------------

Premature greyness is hereditary.

You get it from your kids.

----------------------------------------------
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 10-01-2015, 07:05 PM   #348
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My son said, "What's your biggest regret dad?"

I said, "I'm not sure son... Who's taller, you or your brother?"
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Old 10-01-2015, 07:17 PM   #349
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"Two kids is two too many."
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Old 10-01-2015, 07:24 PM   #350
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After my divorce, I realized that poker isn't the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with a staggering financial loss.


You know why divorces are so expensive?...............They're worth it

I always thought that to be funny but I really believe we should mate for life
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