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Old 10-02-2015, 09:59 AM   #361
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My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person.

So I can get a better girlfriend.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 10-03-2015, 11:43 AM   #362
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My wife asked, "Would you love me more if I was really smart or really beautiful?"

I replied, "Yes, I probably would."
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 10-05-2015, 06:48 PM   #363
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Report suggests that washing dishes after a long day helps to relieve stress.

I can't wait to see how chilled out my wife will be after she's done the load I've left for her.
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Old 10-05-2015, 06:54 PM   #364
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My girlfriend just finished reading the fifth book in the "learning to count" trilogy.
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Old 10-05-2015, 06:57 PM   #365
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I cried myself to sleep every night for months until I found out that my ex had stuffed my pillow with onions.
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Old 10-05-2015, 07:01 PM   #366
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The other day I was reading my emails and there was one from my ex, it said;

" I thought that I could tolerate your ADD, but I'm afraid you're just not the right person for me. You can come over Wednesday to collect your things. I sincerely hope you will be OK."

And I thought to myself, doesn't OK look like a sideways person?




(bet your tilting your head now looking at it)
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Old 10-05-2015, 07:06 PM   #367
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My wife hollered in thru the rear door that our neighbor's dog pooped in our garden, so I told her to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.

After a few minutes, she walked in and said "I don't see what that solved, we've still got dog crap in our garden and the neighbors have our shovel."
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Old 10-05-2015, 07:13 PM   #368
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My wife says I'm too impulsive.

What does she know? She only met me yesterday.
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Old 10-05-2015, 07:31 PM   #369
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Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the "F" word 506 times.

That actually beats a record set by my dad in 2003, trying to put an Ikea chair together.
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Old 10-05-2015, 07:34 PM   #370
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I hired a brass band to celebrate the birth of my child.

I enjoyed it, but I think my wife was a little miffed with the 15 hour drum roll.
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